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True Confessions: The Seven Days Sex Survey results

by and

Published February 6, 2002 at 4:00 a.m.


sexsurvey.jpg

Seven Days survey respondents are:

gender

47% men

51.7% women

1.2% other

age

sexual orientation

status

political affiliation

What’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to you during sex?

Maybe porking and poetry just don’t go together. In the sack, people wax more like Snoop Doggy Dog than Shakespeare. We expected lines a little more lyrical than “bend over, bitch” and “that thing is huge.” But there were some inspired ones, like “I can’t tell where you end and I begin” and “You eat pussy better than a lesbian.” Questionable compliments include “I want to see what I am fucking,” “You can come now” and the Lolita-like “How old is your daughter?” Surely everyone can identify with the classic “oooh, ahhh, eeee” and its variation, “oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, ahhhh.” A few highlights:

    If you let me do this again, I’ll take you to Spain

    I can’t take one more orgasm

    That’s your pussy!

    I forgot how awesome you were

    You do that very nicely

    Your breasts ought to be cast in bronze

    You’re a goddess

    Go ahead and do me in the ass. I don’t let my husband do it there, but you’re better than he is

    Having sex with you is a cosmic experience

    When did the sun come up?

    I like it when you bite me there

    Your wife is the luckiest woman in the world

    How did you learn to do that?

    No, it’s just the right size

    You’re a professional

    It’s too big

    It happens to everybody

    Oh, shit — I fucking love you

    Look at that cock — just look at it

    You really know how to use that thing

    You’re a naughty girl

    I want to wake up to you every morning

    God, you make me squirt

What’s the best cinematic sex scene ever?

>Cinema is subjective — especially when it comes to the hottest sex scenes of all time. To one, a quick thaw between Julie Christie and Omar Sharif on the frozen steppes is just what the Doctor ordered. To another, it’s on the stairs — Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business. Two years after our last survey, 9 1/2 Weeks is still the top vote-getter. Even Stanley Kubrick’s more recent Eyes Wide Shut wasn’t enough to knock Mickey Rourke out of the box.

If nothing else, the following list — arranged in descending order of light-my-fire power — may serve as a handy video rental guide for otherwise cold nights.

What was your most memorable sexual experience?

Ex marks the spot, eh? It’s amazing how many former spouses show up in these steamy scenarios. But breaking the rules is part of the excitement, whether you’re doing your wife’s sister or your boyfriend’s roommate. Thanks for sharing all the ins and outs of your exploits — many of which spilled over onto attached sheets of paper. It’s nice to know the definition of “memorable” includes everything from “kissing my first girlfriend” to a filmed foursome with a chef, a Swedish millionaire and a Hawaiian stripper. Just lie back and enjoy this…

What do you call your sex organ?

Ever find yourself at a loss for words in mid-act? The words “vagina” and “penis” sound perfectly correct in the doctor’s office, but whispered in your ear in the heat of passion… nah. The following synonyms are up for grabs. And we’ve noticed a couple of gender trends. Guys seem to have more monikers for their member — perhaps because they spend more time thinking about it? Proper names are popular and, of course, so are macho terms like gun, rod, spike, club, hammer, rocket and patriot missile. One exception: a man who calls his dick “dead.” Under “zip code” this 67-year-old heterosexual “partnered and miserable” guy wrote “no zip left.” Women tend to be more descriptive and poetic. We like “hot box” and “wet cove” and “playground.” Also “fuzz cutlet.”

names for penis cock, the reaper, Dick, the grand wazoo, dong, my junk, my own, schlong, willy, this guy, king cock, weiner, chubby, Mr. Schlong, Morgan, Moby, wang, piggly wiggly, Charlie, my throbbing member, Henry, Waldo, Harry and the Hendersons, little fella, love monkey, peener, something special, Mr. Johnson, Hank, E.T. – extremely talented, Fred, underused, pecker, Mr. Bigglesworth, wanker, tool, shank, snake, weapon, rocket, rod, gun, spike, bone, meat, club, wood, hammer, monkey, hog, turnip, dead, friend and foe, one-eyed pirate, Mr. Peepers, Princess Diana, patriot missile, Marmaduke, lonely, my dinky, Spanky, Sweet William, Cherry Garcia, pickel, Lingham, main vein, Buford, The Queen Mum or, not erect, the Princess, Roger, Quiggly Down Under, Peter

from a bisexual hermaphrodite bitey

pudenda agenda clit, wooj, cookee, Nellie, the ocean, Delila, the pearl, quoi, fuzz cutlet, my little honeypot, thang, twat, Beverly, Miss Sally, Cotter, Chachie, clitomatic, a goldmine, thingamajig, my thumb, Rosemary, sugar bear, chow box, pocketbook, wawa, cooter, peepsie lala, her, Milly, Wooch, hot box, wet cove, little white pussy, Gina, my funky mama, woo woo, kitty, puss, Mrs. Peep, cunt, playground, Coochie, my spot, brain, my pink fluffy bunny, down there, Darcy, cha cha, Queen Cunt, genie, beaver, Julie, Punanie, Punane, pussy, Hoo Hoo Coochie, my “parts,” wimp, cootie, snatch, my girl, hooch, satisfied, divina vagina, my flower garden, nookie, Yoni, my thingy, vulva, snatchums, the chicken and Mr. Happy, the girls, vuvu, ditty witty

The best aphrodisiac is…

Mangos, wine, strawberries, pudding, chocolate, cheesecake, ice cream, oysters, popsicles, big raw scallops. It appears the way to a man’s heart — or some other organ — is still through his stomach. Ditto with the ladies. One 24-year-old lesbian is hot for her partner’s pasta sauce. Another “makes it special” with maple syrup. Drugs and alcohol are still reliable turn-ons: pot, whisky, cocaine, champagne and red, red wine. We’re intrigued by the person who gets aroused by art museums — a young “other” who believes in abstinence — and fully support a 31-year old female who loves a man who’ll clean the house.”

If you could have sex with one Vermont celebrity, who would it be?

Nothing Rusty about that Logger fella. Thirty-five people are imagining the strapping star of his own one-man show in various sex “ax.” That’s up five votes from last time, and twice what Howard Dean garnered — unlike the guv, Rusty DeWees knows how to run an effective self-promotion campaign.

Media coverage — and preferably a pin-up calendar — makes any character more compelling. One reader wants to have sex with “any guy from Maple Corner.” A 49-year-old hetero male will go around the bases with “anyone on the Vermont Expos.” Phish is also still fresh in the dirty minds of Vermont fans. Someone else feels special about the wait staff at Sweetwaters.

Television news is always a turn on, whether the reporter is Roger Garrity, Sera Congi, Stephanie Gorin or Caroline Adams. Weather folks, in particular, seem to generate warm fronts and grunts. Sharon Meyer is still a hottie. Tom Messner might wipe that grin off his face if he knew a 25-year-old bisexual female wanted to sit on it.

A few more hot Vermont celebs:

Alison Bechdel, Alice Austin from Zola Turn, Yolanda, Jay Craven, Darren Perron, Greg Douglass, Miss Vermont, Tammy Fletcher, Fred Tuttle, James Harvey, Katharine Quinn, Julia Alvarez, Galway Kinnell, Peg Tassey, Ben & Jerry — together, Champ, Alan Yandow, Beth Robinson, Michael Chorney, George Woodard, Pascal Spengemann, Matt Grasso, The Hot Dog Lady, Teresa Lorenzo, Desirée Johnson. The first time was promising, the second was exciting, but with our third biennial Sex Survey, we wondered whether it would still be good for you. And, of course, whether you’ll still respect us in the morning. So it was a relief to see our names in the eligible bachelorettes list — gee, thanks! We took that to mean the affair is still on. At any rate, six years is a lot longer than some of you people have been enamored of each other.

Longevity of relationships is not the norm among Seven Days surveyees, but then, some of you are still on the young side. Regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation or political affiliation, however, a lot of you are having more fun in the bedroom — or wherever — than seems legal. Actually… some of it isn’t.

This year’s respondents are, by and large, an experienced bunch — none claimed to be a virgin. A third have at least one child. More than half have had at least one illicit fling. Because the survey was anonymous, we assumed a fair degree of honesty in the answers, but we couldn’t help suspecting just a teensy bit of hyperbole — e.g., thousands of lovers? Come now.

Full disclosure: The number of Republican respondents was statistically insignificant, but we went ahead and made specious generalizations about them anyway. Otherwise this survey is just chock-full of pretty hard data.

Our thanks to the hundreds of people who took the time to fill out and turn in questionnaires. You’ve certainly enlightened, stunned and entertained us, and we can only hope you’ll get a rise out of reading our analysis, maybe even learn a trick or two. Oh-lay.

I lost my virginity when I was ___ years old.

We’ve got a classic bell curve on this one, with the greatest percentage of men (59%) and women (74%) losing their virginity between the ages of 15 and 19. None of the respondents claimed to still be immaculate, as it were.

We are mightily impressed with the gay guy who lost his virginity just five years ago, at the ripe age of 39, and has squeezed in more than 100 lovers since. A late, but great, bloomer! He’s the latest, in fact — only 14 percent of men and 8 percent of women held out ’til they were 21 or older.

An even dozen people in our sample were deflowered before the age of 13, and we don’t even want to think about that.

My lover and I have a monogamous/open relationship

…

The good news: 68 percent of our respondents are monogamous. The bad: 8 percent of them wish they were sleeping around. We won’t judge those who have an “open” relationship, but shame on you people who say you have an open relationship but your lover “doesn’t know it.” This is called cheating (see below).

Men

Women

My lover and I have a monogamous relationship.

66.2%

My lover and I have an “open” relationship.

9.6%

11%

My lover and I have an “open” relationship, but my lover doesn’t know it.

7.2%

6.2%

I am not monogamous but would like to be.

15.2%

9.6%

I am monogamous but would rather be sleeping around.

11.2%

5.5%

I have cheated on a partner…I did/did not get away with it…

Yikes. Cheating and getting caught would seem to go hand in hand, but 72 percent of the unfaithful in our sample apparently got away with it. That could explain why more than half the respondents have risked extracurricular activities. Ten people refused to answer the question, but we assume the worst. Unfortunately, we did not ask people to specify whether they were cheating right now…

If this chart is any indication, though, the most likely to fool around would be a bisexual Republican woman. Something to keep in mind.

Have Cheated

Got Away With It

Men

41%

71.9%

Women

51%

71.9%

Hetero

52.8%

69.2%

Homo

56.7%

75%

Bi

60.4%

82.7% Republican

68.4%

84.6% Democrat

54.3%

79.6% Progressive

42%

58.3% Other/Independent

57%

71.8%

I am happy the Vermont legislature legalized civil unions…

No surprises here. More than a year since homosexuals won the right to tie the knot in Vermont, the subject is a non-issue for the vast majority of Seven Days surveyees — 86 percent of men and 94 percent of women approve the civil-union move. The Republicans were split down the middle, but they’re a relatively small portion of our sample, so we won’t jump to any conclusions.

I am pro-choice/anti-abortion…

On the hot-button topic of abortion, Seven Days respondents again prove themselves pretty liberal — including the Republicans. Suffice it to say that only 10 people in the entire sample were not pro-choice.

My shortest/longest relationship (has) lasted…

We just looked at the shortest and longest extremes with this question, because, well, they’re more fun.

That said, Attention Deficit Disorder may be an epidemic, but really, people: An hour or less does not a “relationship” make. There’s supposed to be a middle sandwiched between the beginning and the end. But maybe the 16 respondents for whom a relationship can be the length of, say, “Law and Order” know something we don’t?

Chances are the 55-year-old man and 63-year-old woman who reported relationships of 35 and 41 years, respectively, thought they might be the most seasoned respondents to our survey. But no. That honor goes to a 75-year-old gentleman who has been happily married for 53 years. Well, we don’t know for sure he’s been happy that whole time, but the fella still thinks about sex three times per day, bless his heart. And we’ll stop right there in case his grandchildren are reading this.

I have sex with a partner at least ___ times per…

Everyone wants to know how their own love life stacks up, so we fine-tuned the classic “gettin’ any?” with the more pointed “how much?” Our survey offered week, month and year as the units of time, but with the magic of arithmetic we translated all the responses into number of sexual encounters per week. Except for those whose frequency would then have become a sad, shriveled fraction.

First, the extremes: The lustiest Seven Days respondent is a 20-year-old hetero woman who claims to have sex 22 times per week! Just for the record, she’s not a “professional,” and she doesn’t masturbate, either. (We did note that she claims to think about sex only 12 times per week, so we deduce she’s doing the other 10 without thinking.)

Next highest is a guy with a far more plausible 10 times per week. Only five other individuals — all women — joined the achievers with a brisk 10 or more conjugations per week.

On the opposite side of the bed, so to speak, we found 11 men and 11 women who rise to the occasion fewer than 10 times per year. Interestingly, five of each gender make sex an annual event. We can’t help but wonder whether they’re married… to each other.

The majority rules? Fifty-seven percent have one to four close encounters per week, and nearly 19 percent more clock in with five to nine.

I think about sex approximately ___ times per…

Gosh, we don’t know how some people get anything done, their minds are so often… down there. Here we found the responses skewed in both directions: 48 percent of our sample thinks about sex a relatively modest one to five times per day. And an impressive 36.5 percent is distracted by impure thoughts more than once an hour! Let’s pause here to thank the first group — especially the women, who outnumber men almost three to one — for keeping the economy chugging along. Those in the second group, we can only assume, have something to do with the recession.

But enough about science — we’d rather contemplate the anecdotal. In this case a 45-year-old grandmother takes the cake: She thinks about sex 100 times per hour. (And, yes, she confesses to masturbating on the job.) Compared to her, even the guy who claims 1000 times per day is focused on his work. The math simply got too fuzzy with the guys who answered “eight days a week” and “all day.”

At the other end of the spectrum is a 33-year-old bisexual male who says he thinks about sex only two times per month. Upon closer examination of his survey, however, we decided he must have misunderstood the question, or recently became a monk. After all, the guy claims to have “worked in the sex industry,” had “numerous” lovers, and finds “fresh air” the best aphrodisiac. Go figure.

I have faked an orgasm at least once…

This peculiar little white lie has survived women’s liberation, the Clinton years and the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, and we just have to ask: What’s the point? A whopping 76 percent of the women in our sample have faked it. OK, we can commiserate with situations that just need to end already, if you get our drift. But the real question is for the 37 percent of men who have faked orgasm: How? Isn’t the proof in the, um, pudding?

While women are far guiltier of this relatively harmless transgression than men, there’s not a lot of difference among sexual orientations or political parties — 55 to 60 percent across the board have told a partner they came when they really went.

I have multiple orgasms…

The French quaintly call an orgasm la petite mort, but we’re not sure what they think of beaucoup de “little deaths.” Among our sample, in any event, only a few factoids are of particular interest. For starters, a mere 20 lucky people claimed to always have multiple orgasms, and most of them are heterosexual women. Only one of them is a Republican.

But an impressive 71 percent of women say they sometimes come in multiples — and so do nearly 59 percent of the guys! Politically speaking, the independents seem the most gifted in this department, and homos have a respectable edge over hets and bis.

I have done the following…

The “done” deal? When it comes to sexual activity, it looks like fewer folks are settling for it straight — since we last checked, heterosexual sex is down from 97 to 93 percent. Experimentation, on the other hand, is rampant. Homosexuals gained 5 percentage points. Anal sex picked up 11. Bestiality is on the rise. And reports of group sex have tripled. What’s up, people?

Of course, many of you are taking matters into your own hands. Fifty percent have masturbated while driving. An intriguing 5 percent find something arousing about Seven Days. That amounts to 16 people. The very number of employees here on staff. Hmmm…

On that note, sexual “harassment” appears to be alive and well in the workplace — 25 percent of you have done a boss or employee. Ditto in the area of academic pursuits — we counted 48 teacher’s pets.

I masturbate at least ___ times per…

Vermonters are renowned for their flinty independence — some more than others, of course. But answers to this question confirmed once and for all what a self-reliant bunch we really are: More people report masturbating than going to the trouble of finding a partner. O solo mio.

Again, we’ll start with the extremes. We were intrigued with the guy who accounted for “81 times per month” until we did the math: that’s just under three times per day, and we’ve got two other males and three females who ’fessed up to more than that. The busiest hands by far belong to a 22-year-old bisexual woman who fits in a dirty dozen sessions per day! (Sometimes, we blush to note, while reading Seven Days.) And no, she’s not the same nympho who fits in someone else 22 times a week. We’d love a peek at both their diaries, though.

In all, 40 men and 18 women in our sample get in touch with themselves at least once a day — a standard some of us only dream of attaining (see “think about sex,” above). On the other end of the self-help spectrum, one disciplined guy gives in only twice a year, while 11 women report six or fewer times per year.

Around 60 percent answered in terms of handjobs per week — but less than once a day. In this group, roughly two-thirds of the men and the women masturbate one to three times a week. Time for the hairy-palm theorists to update their definition of “normal.”

I have masturbated at work…

Some of you have the misfortune to work with — or for — jerks, but are you surprised to know that 49 percent of our respondents jerk off at work? Dunno why we were so fascinated with this phenomenon, but here’s a close look at who, exactly, is spending too much time in the employee bathroom. And, by the way, nine of those who masturbate on the clock, so to speak, sometimes fantasize about George and/or Laura Bush (see below). Food for thought.

Got Away With It

Men

63%

Women

35%

Hetero

45%

Homo

59%

Bi

54% Republican

47% Democrat

47% Progressive

56% Other/Independent

47.5%

I have had sexual fantasies about George or Laura Bush…

Oddly, the same percentage of people who masturbate with Seven Days confess to racy thoughts regarding the leader of the free world and his lovely wife. But in this case they’re men. Even stranger, nearly twice as many of the, uh, Bush fantasizers are among the group that masturbates at work! What does this mean? Absolutely nothing, but it sure is fun to play with statistics!

So far, I have had sex with ___ people…

Only seven true-blue types in our sample have confined themselves to a single lover — and all but one of them are under 30. Most of our respondents, though, would have to say yes to the famous Jimi Hendrix question, “Are you experienced?”

Our eyebrows were raised by the 13 men, seven women and one hermaphrodite who each nonchalantly claimed more than 100 lovers. In the case of a 54-year-old gay man, thousands. Only one other gay male, age 42, could hold half a candle to that with 900 lovers. We have to assume those who responded in the hundreds were rounding up, or just couldn’t remember for sure. But we appreciated the accountant-like precision of answers like “111” and “125” from a few people who are clearly keeping score.

One of the busy bees is a certain 22-year-old heterosexual female, but the majority of our most accomplished group is well over 40. One former soldier added an enlightening explanation for his estimated 300-400 lovers: Thailand.

More than 90 percent of you reported having carnal knowledge of more than one but fewer than 100 lovers so far. To break down that vast middle ground:

# Lovers

Men Women

2-4

9.3%

9.6%

5-20

42.6%

60.2%

21-50

28.6%

20.5%

51-100

6.9%

2.5%

I have had sex in…

Let’s hear it for vroom service. Among Vermont’s hot and not-so-hot spots, the “car” takes first place. And we’re including “hearse” in that category. In keeping with its rural image, “the woods” are also a popular fornication destination — with the “tub” coming in a close third. Thirteen hearty souls went for it on the Stowe gondola. The Jay Peak Tram also got a write-in vote. Not surprisingly, the “other” prompt on this question turned up some of the wackiest scenarios. Cemeteries, libraries and beaches scored high. As did public bathrooms, hammocks and parking garages. With three votes, a neighbor’s porch may be the next best thing to your parents’ bed. “Dog house” made us want to sniff it out. Household appliances also appear to have some aphrodisiacal appeal. Doing it on the fridge, washing machine or sink is apparently no chore for some of you.

In general, I change positions while having sex…

Gee, our respondents are not quite as restless as one might expect. Nearly 43 percent are perfectly content to stay put, and the same amount try different angles two to five times per session. Nearly 15 percent, though, manage half a dozen or more variations on the theme — probably the ones who’ve been taking all those yoga classes around here. Those proportions are roughly the same across sexual orientation and political persuasion, except that somewhat more Progs — 18.5 percent — fall in the most active group.

In general, the length of my lovemaking sessions is…

We’re happy to report that the great majority of you lovers out there devotes a good 30 to 60 minutes to the act — especially partnered/married couples, even those with children. A speedy 3 percent, both hetero and homo, admit to liaisons of less than one minute, and though we could applaud such brisk efficiency, we do recommend taking the time to at least say hello. The independents, the happily single and the bis are more likely to last longer, with 10, 11 and 12 percent, respectively, spending “hours on end.” Hey, time flies when you’re having fun.

When I have sex I am mostly thinking about my/my partner’s pleasure…

So much for wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. While just 23 percent of our male respondents admitted they think more about their own pleasure when having sex, 41 percent of women do. A profile of the most considerate lover? A het or homo male, partnered Republican. The least? A bisexual, Progressive, single female.

A closer look reveals that 5 percent of the Republicans manage to concentrate on themselves and their partners simultaneously. Meanwhile, 9 percent of both Dems and Progs, and 4 percent of independents, are apparently thinking of neither while making love. Maybe they’re fantasizing about Republicans?

I use pornography…

Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that nearly two-thirds of our total respondents like to watch… dirty movies, Internet sites, etc. And that’s regardless of political persuasion. However, we should note that while the numbers look roughly the same for men, women’s use of pornography has climbed 16 percent from two years ago! But a picture is worth a thousand words, so we’ll just shut our gaping traps and let this chart tell the rest.

Use Porn

Men

86%

Women

47%

Hetero

65%

Homo

67%

Bi

70% Republican

79% Democrat

61% Progressive

69% Other/Independent

69%

The sex or prop I use most frequently is…

Judging from the adjectives people attach to their vibrators and dildos, sex toys win a certain amount of affection. Nothing more user-friendly than a “cute little clit stimulator.” Women in particular went into rapturous detail about their double-ended dildos, hot pink vibrators and pinwheel blindfolds. Ladies also manage to work in rolling dice, clothespins, fruit, vegetables — even a smooth piece of driftwood from the Pacific. Ouch. The swing sounds like fun, though, with or without the Catholic school uniform.

Guys are not nearly as imaginative when listing their favorite objets erotique. “Vibrator on wife.” “Girlfriend’s panties.” “Ice cream and teaspoon.” “Penthouse letters.” “My mouth and a sick mind.” Cock rings are cool, but not to the exclusion of stuffed animals and favorite blankets. Whips and chains? Not too many — unless an “elk flogger” hurts as much as it sounds like it might. Straightlaced Vermonters tend to reach instead for candles, videos, lube, lingerie and, occasionally, Seven Days.

I worry that my penis isn’t big enough…

Though much ink — and many a Web site scam — is devoted to enlargening the almighty male member, only 34 percent of our respondents is concerned with size. We have to wonder, though, about the two women who reported their willies were too wee. Maybe they misunderstood the question? Three out of four of our “others” are dissatisfied as well.

Of those men who do worry, 76 percent are straight, 12 percent gay. Nearly a third of Democrats wish their lovesticks were larger, compared to 12 percent of Republicans, 24 percent of Progs and 28 percent of the independents. But let’s move on to the assessment from the receiving end…

My partner’s penis isn’t big enough…

A measly 15.6 percent overall groused that their lover’s thingie doesn’t measure up. However, about 36 percent of them are male, 61 percent female. That means both straight and gay guys still have to wonder…

I have safe sex…

Lissen up, people: STDs are rampant and AIDS is still very much with us. So why aren’t more of you having safe sex all the time? Though only one of our respondents — a straight male — declared himself HIV-positive, many of the rest are flirting with danger. More so, in fact, than when we asked two years ago. At least the men and the women basically agree on this one…

Always Sometimes

Never

Men

48.6%

43.7%

7%

Women

46.9%

47.5%

5.5%

Hetero

48.2%

45.4%

5.9%

Homo

51.3%

42.1%

7.9%

Bi

36.7%

57.1%

6% Rep

35.3%

52.9%

11.7% Dem

52.3%

41.3%

6.4% Prog

49%

47.3%

3.6% O/I

43.7%

49.6%

5.9%

I plan to keep mymsex life interesting after marriage by…

People basically can be divided into two camps: the married and the unmarried. Or at least that’s what we did for this question, ignoring the gray area of the currently divorced, multiply married, living together, etc. One thing remains constant from last time we asked: A lot of unmarried folks think the way to keep sex interesting is to not ever get married. Jeez, what a bunch of cynics.

That said, the majority of responses from either side of the altar proves the adage, “variety is the spice of life.” Pre- or post-vows, many of you believe that boning up, as it were, on the Kama Sutra is the solution to sexual ennui. Thrill seekers suggested sex in varied or “dangerous” places — i.e., potentially getting caught with your pants down — fantasizing and role-playing. And for many of you, variety was measured in different partners — which our survey results indicate is not just theoretical.

Talking dirty and using sex toys does the trick for some married couples, while bringing in a third party — and we don’t mean a consultant — came up somewhat more often with the unmarrieds. Only a handful admits to the harsher pleasures of S&M, and we’re intrigued with the one who suggested “whips, chains, cherries, Pleather.”

All of you are secretly hoping to read here what will make your loved one’s heart grow fonder other than absence, right? So with true community spirit we offer up these particularly colorful suggestions:

Surprising partner with suddenly appearing naked, then disappearing, then appearing fully dressed

If you had to choose…

One of our respondents suggested that, in our next survey, we ask which orifice people prefer to put/get it in. Actually, we did this time. And given the predominance of heteros, we’re not surprised that the vagina came out on top, so to speak. But here’s a look at the hole picture:

Oral Vaginal

Anal

Men

21.3%

67.5%

11%

Women

19.6%

77.8%

2.5%

Hetero

14.1%

83%

2.7%

Homo

45.9%

24%

29.7%

Bi

29%

60%

10.4% Rep

16.7%

72%

11% Dem

17.8%

73%

8.9% Prog

18.8%

77%

3.8% O/I

25%

69%

69%

Describe your favorite sexual position…

As in our two previous surveys, the position called “doggie” was, paws down, the single most popular response among men — and even more so among women. Especially if we throw in the “spooning” and other “from behind” variations. So much for eye contact.

On the other hand, the gals like to have it both ways: Seven times more women than men also dig “missionary” and other means of facing their partners. Similarly, more than twice as many women said they prefer “woman on top.” Yeehah!

Not too many of either gender voted for the egalitarian oral fixation known as “69,” but we were mightily impressed with the guy who likes it standing up — or rather, with the partner who must be… what? Suspended from the ceiling?

Also in the athletic category was “girl on bottom with legs pulled up and resting on man’s forearms who is in push-up position.” We wish we’d received diagrams along with: “her on her side, me over lower leg” and “burning ears with the knees.” Come again?

One respondent taunted us with the exotic “Native American (secret),” another with “#413B.” But we got off on the good vibrations of “on a bass amp and rocking slowly.”

Then there was the cozy domesticity of “sitting in rocking chairs” and “standing up while making out in the kitchen.”

We might have to agree with the 11 men and three women who voraciously said, “all of them.”

I have the best luck meeting people…

Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Notice “in the bushes below my bedroom window” is not an option here. That’s not to say hooking up in Vermont doesn’t require a certain amount of acrobatics. Three people listed “yoga” for its pick-up potential. Sports, 12-step programs and rest areas also got a few votes. Hands down, though, “friends” are the single best source for hot prospects. And work lends itself to romantic collaboration more than bars and clubs. We were relieved to learn that the “personals” beat “dark alleys” and “church” by a few percentage points. And don’t underestimate the sex appeal of the supermarket. The “check-out” line at the Price Chopper is not just for groceries.

My or my partner’s choice of contraception is…

Not much has changed in the high-stakes world of contraception — except condom users have increased from 29 to 39 percent since we last asked. Does that suggest that you are all 10 percent smarter? Not exactly. Sixteen percent of you are still pulling out — up from 6 percent two years ago. And 11 percent are leaving it up to the gods. We’re also a little worried about the horny horticulturalist promoting “wild carrot seed” for protection.“Babysitting” also brought up some questions. Oh, and thanks for the handy reminder: “Dykes don’t need it.”

I have suffered from…

Sex has its shortcomings. Nothing too serious, though. “Blue balls” and “boners” appear to be the biggest problems for boys. Oddly enough, the same number of Vermonters who suffers from herpes also suffers from “nymphomania.” Coincidence?

The best thing about sex is…

O… kay, no beating around the bush here: The best thing about sex is the orgasm. Most of our readers listed “getting off” as a goal. “Intimacy” came in a close second, followed by “feels great.” Can’t argue with that. But we feel compelled to point out an alarming auto-amorous trend. A mere six people groove first and foremost on “getting the other person off.” One narcissistic soul filled in the blank with “me.” A loving loner? Lots of people appear to be using the act as a way to relax. Damn, what a bunch of busy beavers…

The worst thing about sex is…

“Messing around” says it all. Most everyone agrees the worst thing about sex is mopping up after. And, of course, the fact that “after” comes so soon — 19 people lamented “the end.” Sixteen sore losers suggested it’s “never enough.” Those who find time to fit it in have to contend with rope burns, soreness, disease and pregnancy. We weren’t sure if “having kids” was a reference to birth control or whether the actual offspring got in the way.

“When cats watch” is another irritant. Or possible pussy projection? But we’re more concerned about a 30-year-old homosexual man who complains the worst thing about sex is “putting up with someone else.” So far, he’s had that problem with 225 lucky fellas. Maybe it’s time to switch to inflatables.

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