• ID 118609780 © Psartdesignstudio | Dreamstime

Dear Reverend,

I went to my first swinger hotel takeover last weekend, where a group of 75 or so swingers and singles rented out a floor of a hotel. The floor was "private," so doors were open if people wanted to be watched, and play was also happening in the hallway.

I'm a single woman in this group, which is a rare commodity, and I also struggle with social anxiety. I was in a room, hanging back yet fascinated by watching an orgy pile slowly get bigger. I had no intention of participating, but one of the ladies invited me to join. I wanted to but was also worried about sexual safety. In the moment, I was paralyzed by indecision. Ultimately, I grabbed a sandwich from the platter in the room, ran off and stress ate it on the drive home.

For future parties, how do I overcome my apprehension about joining in the fun? How do you broach the topic of sexual safety in the middle of a sloppy sex pile? Is there a way to do this without killing the vibe? Is it just my social anxiety? Help!

Anita Loosenupp (female, 38)

Dear Anita Loosenupp,

I don't have much experience with orgies, but there is one thing I can guarantee: Every person in that sloppy sex pile was once a first-timer.

You don't have to pretend you know what you're doing. Tell people that you're a newbie, and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to show you the ropes. Do the party hosts have sex safety requirements or protocols? If you can't find out ahead of time, asking about STI status is surely commonplace, and I can't imagine it would kill the mood. Just keep it short, sweet and to the point.

Before the next party, do whatever you need to do to loosen up, whether that's sipping a martini or meditating. Set your intentions and boundaries before you get there. Be prepared and bring a fanny pack full of whatever accoutrements you may need to feel good about getting involved: dental dams, condoms, gloves, breath mints, etc.

And remember that your most important sex organ is your brain. Trust your instincts and only do what feels right.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend