Dear Athena,

I want to get my wife to do anal with me, but she's not into it. How can I get her to try it?

Sincerely,

Anal on the Brain

Dear Anal,

Short and to the point. I like it. However, your pithy question requires a longer answer.

Anal isn't for everyone. No matter how keen you are or how hard you coax, your wife may never be into it. So don't set your sights too high.

She may object for any number of reasons. Maybe she's squeamish about cleanliness or worried it will hurt. Perhaps she had a bad experience with anal in the past. To determine the right route — if any — to her rear, gently figure out why anal sex turns her off.

If she's afraid of getting dirty — not sexy-freaky dirty but stains-on-the-sheets dirty — invite her to take a nice, steamy shower or bath with you first. Just the act of stripping down and lathering each other up may get her in the mood to experiment.

Is she afraid of pain? If so, it's not unwarranted. If not done correctly or carefully, anal sex can be extremely uncomfortable. The "receiving end" must be relaxed. The sphincter instinctually tenses up if its owner is uncomfortable or nervous, which makes penetration more difficult for you and potentially more painful for her. If she's open to trying, be sure to start with lots of foreplay, doing all the things that normally get her excited. Then engage her anus with your fingers, working your way there slowly and gently. When it's time to enter, use lots of lube. And I mean lots.

If your wife has tried anal before and it didn't go well, invite her to talk about the experience. You both need to know what didn't work. Reassure her that this time would be different, and — this is important! — that you would stop at any point if she asks. Does she have any sexual fantasies of her own? Include them in the experience so her desires are fulfilled along with yours.

Bottom line: Begin with a conversation. Do what you can to make her feel comfortable and not pressured. You're more likely to reach your end goal if she feels safe and relaxed, and the experience would be much more enjoyable for both of you. Go slow — and be prepared to accept a "no." Remember that boundaries are sacred and require respect.

And if she ultimately says yes, don't forget the lube.

Yours,

Athena