If you have been stuck in a mine underground for the past month, you may be excused for not knowing that the hottest teen dream since Frankie Avalon (who?) is rolling into town Friday for his Vermont debut. Yes, that's right, ladies, and assorted gents. Justin Bieber is playing the Champlain Valley Fair! Hold onto your panties. Let's ignore the creep factor in that previous sentence and pretend that the Biebs isn't technically a child. OMG, ick.

When I heard the 16-year-old, 110-pounder was coming to the Fair, my first thought was this: Here's a guy whose career is on a stratospheric rise. Why is he already playing state fairs? Or, in this case, a regional fair. I thought fairground grandstands were reserved for the likes of Winger or the Charlie Daniels Band. But, as the Fair spokesman told me, everyone has a price.

Justin Bieber likes peace. And cardigans.

Apparently, though, not Lady Gaga. The Fair tried to nab the festooned one for a show this summer but were told by her people, "Gaga doesn't do the outdoors." No doubt because her face will melt off in the fresh air and reveal the alien underneath. Bad Romance indeed.

So what we can conjecture from that is, the Fair is loaded. One can only imagine what the Bieb costs at this point. Probably a hell of a lot more than Styx.

Sadly, I won't be going to the show. I'll be out of town. It's a bummer, because I already had a few fresh pairs of undies ready to toss on stage. My colleague Alice Levitt will be going in my stead. So, at least there will be One Less Lonely Girl at Seven Days now. You can read all about Alice's rendezvous with the shellacked star in the September 8 issue.

Speaking of shellac, I have two questions about JB's hair, which has spawned many blog posts and serious news segments devoted to deconstructing that perfect, swooping flip. (Watch embarrassing video of Katie Couric drooling over the Biebs here.) 

DO NOT touch the hair.

 
Question 1: What is he hiding under that mop? I'm guessing his forehead is a minefield of product-induced acne. And Question 2: When is he going to give lesbians some credit for his now iconic 'do? Gay girls were rocking that comb-over while the Biebs was still home in Canada trying to figure out how to work the YouTube.

That's why I take issue with the website Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Lesbians don't look like JB; JB looks like a lesbian. Which may or may not have something to do with why I like him. 

Anyway, here's hoping the Bieb's voice doesn't change before Friday's show. And if it does, let's hope his hair, his silky, confident hair, is enough to distract the crying, screaming, bra-throwing masses. If you go to the show, let us know how it was.