Dear Athena,

I recently started seeing a woman in her early thirties who lives out of state. We’ve been getting together about twice a month for a few days at a time, and we have a genuinely great time all around. We are both very sexually progressive and communicate our needs, desires and fantasies openly with each other. That said, my lady friend can only orgasm from oral sex, which is fine because I absolutely love giving head! We’ve worked it out so that when she starts to get off, I’ll come up and try to finish with her. It takes a bit of timing, but when it happens, it really happens!

It’s not a huge problem, but sometimes it takes so long for her to get off that I lose my erection. I can usually keep myself stimulated, but I’m wondering what I can do to mitigate distraction and performance anxiety. I’m also curious: What are the chances of her having an orgasm from intercourse or G-spot stimulation? I feel like I’ve brought her fairly close with a pulsing G-spot massage, but I always end up just going down on her, which, again, is not really a problem.

Signed,

Making It to the Finish

Dear Making It,

It sounds like you and your lady friend have a great bond. You dig each other, and the sex is good — sometimes even fantastic. So why stress about making her orgasm with your penis when your mouth is already doing it just fine?

You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself to finish at a certain time and to make her orgasm in a certain way. Yes, it’s awesome to come together, but placing so much emphasis on it could be what’s triggering your performance anxiety and distraction. It probably feels like she’s taking a long time to climax because you’re thinking about it too much — and that mental state is the exact opposite of what you need to be able to get off.

As for how she orgasms, Best Health Magazine states that approximately 80 percent of women cannot climax from intercourse alone. Not the statistic you were hoping for, but it’s true. And it may make you feel a little better knowing that this situation is common for women — it’s nothing you’re doing wrong. Instead of worrying about how it happens, be grateful that it happens at all. Be grateful that you guys rock at sex. Be grateful that you like her so much and she likes you, too. If she’s having fun and you’re able to keep yourself stimulated, that’s all that matters.

That doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up every once in a while. Take turns giving oral and get creative with positions so the experience is more dynamic and spontaneous. Experimenting will keep you present, and that’s the best way to squash any nerves.

Sex isn’t about making it to an imagined finish line. It’s an exchange — a shared experience. Like pretty much everything else in life, it’s about the journey.

Yours,

Athena