Scarlett Letters: My Boyfriend Talks Dirty and It's Annoying | Scarlett Letters | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Scarlett Letters: My Boyfriend Talks Dirty and It's Annoying


Published April 4, 2018 at 10:00 a.m.


Dear Scarlett,

My boyfriend talks dirty while we're having sex. I know it turns him on, but I find it annoying. Sometimes I have trouble coming because of it. What should I do?


Silence Is Golden

(female, age 28)

Dear Silence,

For a lot of people, talking dirty is a form of foreplay. During sex, it can stir the imagination and keep the excitement going. But some, like you, find it distracting, even embarrassing, and it sidetracks their happy ending. 

Our culture has a fuzzy relationship with profanity, especially when it comes to sexual content. People curse and talk about sex all the time, and yet the words are still taboo, something we're not supposed to say. The inherent naughtiness is part of what makes sex talk in the bedroom so much fun.

But talking dirty can also violate our sense of intimacy and respect, feel like objectification, or be just plain distracting. There's nothing more peeving than unwanted chatter jolting you out of a pre-orgasmic trance. 

You cannot continue to pretend his words are working for you. You're not into it, and it's inhibiting you from having a good time. So just be honest. Dirty talk may not be important to him, either, or your feedback might encourage him to keep it in his head.

You could together decide to put on a little music instead, something that makes you both feel sexy and doesn't distract from the mood. When you talk to him about it, be gentle. This is his experience, too, and you want your man revved up and excited. Don't kill his sexual spirit.

Another approach: Take this opportunity to try something new. Think about what turns you on, and tell him about it. Share a fantasy you may have bottled up, or compliment his body and let him know how great he's making you feel in the heat of the moment. You could even give him direction — tell him to touch you softly or thrust harder. Don't get bossy (unless he digs that); just tell him what you desire. Sex talk can be a way of saying what most men and women really want to hear from their lover, which is: "I want you."



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