Dear Reverend, 

I was married for 18 years — my divorce was finalized in January. I can't remember the last time I had sex, and I was looking forward to getting out there to find a new partner. Seems like that's not going to happen anytime soon due to this pandemic. Masturbating gets old quick. Got any tips? 

Wilted Willie (male, 52)

Dear Wilted Willie, 

You're in luck! May just happens to be International Masturbation Month. You could try the old "use your other hand" trick, but masturbation technology has come a long way since the days of lotion and socks. How 'bout you kick it up a notch and get yourself some fun items to play with?

You could start out simply by buying a few kinds of lube, but why not get a little more adventurous? There are many options for masturbation toys for men, and they come in all shapes and sizes. Some look like body parts, and some don't. There's something for everyone. I can't speak from experience, but I hear that the Fleshlight is fantastic. You can even support a Vermont business by visiting Imago's website: imagoxxx.com. 

If you're into porn, that's great. But if you always rely on it to get the engines fired up, take a break and use your imagination. Relive old sexual experiences; dream up new ones. Fantasize about whatever floats your boat. Explore other erogenous zones on your body. Don't be afraid to let your freak flag fly, because when you go solo, the only person who needs to salute is your pal Johnson. 

An orgasm has all sorts of health benefits, including reducing your stress level, helping you sleep and boosting your immune system. So, go ahead: Get handsy with yourself, and don't worry about doing it too much. I promise it won't make you go blind or get hairy palms. 

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend