I heart Clamzilla | 802 Online

I heart Clamzilla


I added a bunch of blogs to my Vermont blogroll recently but haven't had a chance to read through them all. Today I started reading Clamzilla's Fabulous Adventures in the Dark, and I ended up snickering so much that my co-workers asked me "what's so funny over there?"

Clamzilla is an anonymous woman who apparently watches movies at the Essex Outlet Cinemas every other day or so, then reviews them on her blog.

I confess, I rarely read movie reviews. I used to love movies, but I've stopped going ever since Graham was born, and I have a hard time mustering up much interest in reviews of films that I'm probably never going to see. But Clamzilla is funny.

Yes, her writing is less polished perhaps than a professional critic, but she's got a snarky side that I enjoy. Here's an excerpt from her review of the new Robin Williams movie "License to Wed":

When the story begins we are introduced to Ken and Barbie, er, I mean Sadie (Mandy Moore; American Dreamz) and Ben (John Krasinski: “Jim” on the tv hit “The Office”),who are without a doubt the most perfectly perfect white,upper-middle-class, privileged, made-for-each-other couple in theworld. Sadie has her own floral shop and Ben is a school coach, bothhealthy, clean-cut kind of jobs. I was already wondering if she camewith a Barbie Camper set, only full-sized. They look like posterchildren for a Sears ad, and I immediately wanted to adopt them and yetI was repelled by them at the same time. I think my diabetes waskicking in from all that sweetness.

I like how she includes personal anecdotes in her reviews, too. Here's the beginning of her review of "Ratatoille":

Ratatouille gives me diarrhea. Not the movie Ratatouille,I mean the southern French dish itself, a plate of cooked eggplant,zucchini, tomatoes, onions, and stuff cooked into a coma and then piledhigh like a precision-built doggy doo. That’s probably what “ratatouille” actually means in French and they just aren’t telling us because you know how they are.

Fortunately,my family is less interested in fine cuisine than they are in finemovies and so when the new Pixar/Disney release opened this week at theEssex Cinemas even Colonel Sanders took a backseat to this Ratatouille. At first, my hubby was skeptical when he saw the poster and realized that this Ratatouillewas going to actually star a rat. He has a dreaded aversion of allthings rodent ever since he was eleven and his brother put peanutbutter on the back of his neck as they “camped” outside in the backyardone night in their sleeping bags and he was awakened by an opossumlicking him with the enthusiasm of a head cheerleader. I, on the otherhand, have never even seen a rat in real life (unless you countwatching Willardon tv). Cartoon rats, I assured him, were nothing like the actualthing. These rats are bound to be cute, cuddly, and capable of speakingmore cleverly than George Bush on just about any subject. And sureenough, they were.

Not sure I'll see either one of these films, but I've enjoyed reading about them. Who is this woman, and what compels her to share all of this with the world?



Comments are closed.

From 2014-2020, Seven Days allowed readers to comment on all stories posted on our website. While we've appreciated the suggestions and insights, right now Seven Days is prioritizing our core mission — producing high-quality, responsible local journalism — over moderating online debates between readers.

To criticize, correct or praise our reporting, please send us a letter to the editor or send us a tip. We’ll check it out and report the results.

Online comments may return when we have better tech tools for managing them. Thanks for reading.