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Withholding Taxes

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...


Published November 9, 2011 at 10:29 a.m.

Dear Mistress,

Help! My lover of three years has decided to withhold sex from me until I film myself having sex with a large group of men. I understand the group-sex fetish, but to punish me for not doing it? What began as a naughty, fun and tantalizing game has grown into a stressful, disturbing and degrading chore.

I am considered extremely attractive, ultra-sexual, open-minded and intelligent, to boot. I know I do not have a problem, but what is his problem?


Sexless, Stressed and Hurt

Dear Sexless,

Withholding sex as part of a lovers’ game can be alluring and titillating. However, if not carefully monitored, it can quickly turn hurtful and damaging to the relationship. Receiving pleasure from a partner is an affirming and rejuvenating experience; thus, withholding sex from a partner can cause feelings of rejection and loss.

It sounds like you have an open and daring sex life with your lover, but your arrangement clearly needs some renegotiating. Your partner appears to be taking a great deal of pleasure in watching you squirm, and if you’re truly unhappy and struggling, he’s gone too far.

To have the healthiest, most robust sex life, all partners must feel safe, excited and satisfied. Instead, you’re feeling stressed, disturbed and degraded — not OK. It’s time to take a serious timeout from this game to discuss limits and boundaries. Let him know that, while you’re open minded and sexually adventurous, this particular experience isn’t working for you. Demand that he immediately stop this category of sexual play. If he believes in safe, sane and consensual sex (which should be the only kind), he will accommodate your request immediately. If he balks, you need to strongly consider your safety in this relationship. Even in relationships where dominance and submission play key roles, pleasure should be a two-way street.

Not withholding,