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Westboro Baptist Band of Crazies Coming to VT?


Published August 18, 2009 at 4:40 p.m.

Friends, I cannot tell you how excited I am. OK, I'll tell you. On Sept. 1, in the year of our lord two thousand niner, Fred Phelps, the hate-spewing sign-monger from Kansas, will be gracing us with his presence here in the Green Mountain State. Well, he'll probably just be sending his minions, and by minions I mean his toothy daughter Shirley and her umpteen inbred children. They're coming to protest our little state for crimes against a wrathful God or some such nonsense.

Here's a little background on Mr. Phelps (no relation to human fish cum mad toker Michael Phelps) and his Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently God visited Phelps and was all like, "Yo son, what's wrong with this world? Dudes are doing other dudes and it goes against my will 'n' shit." And Phelps was all like, "Oh, word, homes. Guys screwing other guys in the poopshoot ain't cool. I gotta do sumpin' about this." And God was all like, "Dawg, you need to represent me on Earth. Ain't nobody down there listening to me." And Phelps was all like, "God/Jesus/the holy spirit, I feel you. You can count on me." Then he started making crazypants signs that say God Hates Fags and Thank God For AIDS and other awesome stuff like that. Sign Guy Steve totally ripped them off.

So apparently little Vermont, soon to be home of BIG GAY WEDDINGS, is on the Phelps family's crazyradar. Assuming we don't get bumped from the crazyschedule for a military funeral or a town hall meeting, the Westboro crew is slated to roll into Montpelier for a little picket action on the first of September.

According to their online schedule, they've got a pretty busy day of hating. First, they'll be at Montpelier High School from 7:20 to 7:50 a.m. Damn, you gotta get up early to hate with the Phelpses. Apparently, during this protest they'll be serving "Bitch Burgers, Obama Fries & Simple Slut Shakes!" Yum! Uh, does the slut shake come in maple?

Then, from 7:55 to 8:25 a.m., they'll be spewing crazy outside the Statehouse. According to their website, this is why they're hitting the Statehouse: "Vermont is known for one thing primarily in this day and age (no not the beautiful scenery, not the quiet quaint towns, not the Maple Syrup). They are the most 'gay' friendly spot in DOOMED america. That is a great shame on this state and their State House. We must preach to them, and advise them of their impending doom." Sic.

After the Statehouse, they'll be outside the City Clerk/Treasurer's office from 8:30 to 9 a.m., and then they'll be packing up their crazy train and heading to Burlington to picket some Jews. I'm sure that'll go over like a toot at a funeral. They've got UVM Hillel, Chabad of VT and Ohavi Zedek Synagogue on their agenda. Not sure why they hate Jews so much, since, like, um, Jesus was a Jew and all and he's, like, God, right?

Anyway, if you're so inclined, you can pop on over to the bankrupted church's website for the deets, including a brilliant, multifonted press release about the Montpelier High School picket. Fingers crossed that they don't bail like the last time they threatened to pass on God's wrath to Vermont.