Dear Mistress,

My boyfriend and I have a good sex life. Most times I can orgasm while we’re having sex, but sometimes he finishes before I do. He’s good about trying to make me orgasm with oral or his hands, but this generally doesn’t work for me. In these moments, I would like to use my vibrator on myself, but I am nervous to ask because I get the feeling he wouldn’t like it. He has made comments in the past letting me know that he doesn’t care if I use a vibrator when I’m alone, but he doesn’t want to hear about it. I feel like it’s a macho thing, like he wants to feel like I don’t need anything other than him. How can I tell him that using a vibrator with him wouldn’t make him less of a man?

Thanks,

Bad Vibes

Dear Bad Vibes,

I recently had a friend tell me that she was dating a guy who frowned upon her masturbating in bed, and I’ll tell you what I told her: You deserve to orgasm. Always. By any means necessary. And your boyfriend needs to get on board.

The bedroom is no place for ego, and he needs to check his at the door. Denying you an orgasm because he feels a little threatened by a vibrator is just plain ridiculous. How you orgasm has nothing to do with his masculinity or self worth — your orgasm is actually about you, not him.

It’s time to have a chat with your guy about tag-teaming in the vibrator. Start by telling him how much he turns you on and how much you love having sex with him. Acknowledge that it’s frustrating for both of you when you don’t come and that you think it would be fun and intimate to try the vibrator. Assure him that using a sex toy together can be incredibly erotic, and ask him to give it a try. If he’s a good guy who genuinely cares about your satisfaction, he’ll put his machismo aside and run to the store for a pack of AA batteries.

Good vibrations,