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Tough Love

Mistress Maeve


Published October 21, 2009 at 6:50 p.m.

Dear Mistress Maeve,

I met a fantastic guy about a year ago, and it was obvious we had romantic chemistry. After a couple months, he expressed his hesitance about a relationship, and so we've continued as friends. We spend absurd amounts of time together and have become beautiful, supportive friends. However, the romantic air remains between us, and every couple months I bring it up, asking "Is this more than a friendship?" He always answers, "Maybe one day, but at this moment, I'm comfortable with how things are."

A couple weeks ago, he revealed that he'd been dating a couple other women. When I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he didn't think we could talk about such matters. Indeed, I've been out on dates and haven't told him for the same reason. I asked him to tell me whether anything was ever going to happen between us, because if not, I would apply to grad school that much sooner. Then he freaked - and kissed me. We were kissing, he was crying; it was overload.

The next day he said he had taken off work to think about it, and as much as he wishes differently, he only sees friendship between us. The worst part is, it's been two weeks since this happened, and we've barely spoken. I need some honest feedback from someone outside my social circle.


Friendly Matters


Dear Friendly,

If you're looking for honest feedback, try this on for size: Your friendship is toxic - and you're both to blame. It sounds like he has taken advantage of your romantic feelings for him, soaking up all your doting support without truly returning your love. Furthermore, he's being selfish. When you talked about going to grad school, he "freaked" and wouldn't let you go, yet he will not give you what you so deeply desire.

As for your part, you must start putting yourself first and quit waiting for him to come around. One thing's for sure - whether he cares for you romantically or not, he's not ready to be with you. It's time to move on. Date, go to grad school. Do it now! Do not let a dysfunctional relationship stop you from pursuing your dreams - you will regret it.

Give your friendship some breathing room and time to heal. If you're meant to be friends, you'll find your way back to each other.

Just friends,