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To Snitch, or Not to Snitch

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...

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Dear Mistress,

I was looking at profiles on a hook-up website (not really to have sex; I was more curious than anything), and I was shocked to see my friend’s husband. His photo was slightly obscured, but it was obviously him — I recognized the art on the wall and family dog in the photo! His profile says he’s looking for a “casual encounter” and that he’s “emotionally divorced” from his wife but living at home for the kids. This is news to me, and I’m sure it would be news to my friend! She has mentioned that he has strayed in the past, but I doubt she knows he’s still cheating.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? I’m embarrassed that I was looking on this site and would prefer her not to know. Can I send her an anonymous email with a link to his profile? Or should I confront him head-on and insist he tell her before I do?

Signed,

Reluctant Messenger

Dear Reluctant,

You’ve landed in quite a predicament. Do not confront your friend’s husband. Your allegiance is to her; taking up the issue with him will only cause more drama. Plus, if he is looking for sex unbeknownst to his wife, he has already proven himself untrustworthy. Do you really think he’s going to do the right thing just because you insist?

You absolutely have to tell your friend, and you cannot do so anonymously. Sending an anonymous email is cowardly and will only make her feel more betrayed and hurt. Don’t be embarrassed to tell her you were visiting the site. There’s no shame in exploring the web for intimate encounters, so long as you’re being smart and safe. Besides, she’ll be too busy with her husband’s online exploits to care about yours.

Last, tread lightly when telling your friend about her husband’s profile. Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you know everything about their marriage. They could be separated but living under the same roof, or the husband could have permission to stray. Try starting the conversation with something like, “This is really none of my business, and maybe you are already aware, but if I were in your shoes I would want my friend to tell me...”

The conversation likely won’t be pleasant, but you’ll be doing the right thing.

Shootin’ straight,

mm

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