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The Parmelee Post: Vermont Gun Heartbroken to Learn He’s Not Being Taken Away From Owner


Published April 12, 2018 at 9:48 a.m.

Shootygo Pew-Pew and his owner, Chuck. - DREAMSTIME
  • Dreamstime
  • Shootygo Pew-Pew and his owner, Chuck.
A day after Gov. Phil Scott signed three historic gun reform bills into law, one Vermont gun was devastated to learn he’ll be still stuck living with the same owner.

“He told me this was it — this was the time they take me away from him for good,” said Vermont-based AR-15 rifle Shootygo Pew-Pew, referring to his owner, Chuck. “Yet here I am, hopelessly stuck with this guy."

Pew-Pew said he was embarrassed to hear his owner screaming obscenities at Scott yesterday — even as the governor allocated $5 million to school safety grants. “Turns out none of the bills Governor Scott signed will actually take me away, so I got my hopes up all for nothing," the gun lamented. "There's goes my chance at a fresh start."

Pew-Pew explained that he is a finely tuned precision killing machine with only one purpose: mass casualty. “I obviously belong in the military, but nope — here I am being used to rapidly blast holes in beer cans and paper targets in preparation for some heroic moment that statistically will never happen," he said.

“What did those cans ever do to you, Chuck?!” he demanded. “Don’t you know aluminum is a precious commodity!”

Pew-Pew said he’s tried to tell Chuck that if he wants to fire big guns and be a hero he should just join the armed forces. “I guess that would require too much sacrifice,” the gun moaned.

“The poor guy seems completely oblivious to the fact that the NRA has clearly manipulated him,” he added. “Does he honestly think it’s a coincidence that every solution they offer involves him going out to buy more guns?

“I’m just a gun and even I know that I don’t make households any safer — just more likely that someone in the house will be killed by me," Pew-Pew continued. "And if anyone is working to overthrow our democracy, it’s not Vermont lawmakers, but people who engage in psychological warfare against folks like my owner. It turns out internet memes are impervious to bullets — and critical thinking.

“Even the staunchest anti-gun folks I know don't propose repealing the Second Amendment," rifle went on. "Good luck telling that to Chuck, though."

The despondent firearm then added: "I just hate how he gets my hopes up all the time. I really wanna be on the battlefield where I belong, not stuck in the woods with this guy. 

“Oh well. I guess I should learn to accept that life doesn’t always work out the way you feel it should," Pew-Pew concluded. "I just wish my owner and I could have evidence-based discussions and not give into fear-based rhetoric. Because those who deliberately misinform the masses are far scarier than a big ol’ gun like me.”

The Parmelee Post is an occasional series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.