The Parmelee Post: Study Concludes Dog Poo Doesn’t Magically Disappear When Snow Melts | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: Study Concludes Dog Poo Doesn’t Magically Disappear When Snow Melts


Published April 1, 2017 at 6:00 a.m.

A coalition of Vermont scientists have published the results of an eagerly anticipated study which sought to determine once and for all whether or not dog owners should be forced to clean up after their pets even when there is snow on the ground.

In a report released Thursday,  a group of researchers who call themselves Scientific Humanists Intelligently Testing, or S.H.I.T., concluded that dog droppings do not, in fact, magically melt with the snow when warmer spring temperatures finally arrive.

The landmark study was the culmination of years of collaborative research involving close examination of dog droppings. Field scientists employed tiny tracking devices, which accurately monitored the movement of canine BMs.

“We gathered fresh samples from practically every breed of dog you could imagine,” lead scientist Dr. Roy Bushwiggles told the Parmelee Post. “Labradors. Huskies. We even brought in a Snoop Dogg."

Regardless of stool source, the results were overwhelmingly conclusive.

"Every pile we left in snow was found in the exact same place once that snow melted," Bushwiggles explained. "Dog droppings appear to be a very sedentary species.”

In fact, the results were so definitive that Bushwiggles said the study could have concluded months ago were it not for a dog who ate all the team’s important research papers the night before they were due to be turned in.

“Well, that and waiting an average of thirty minutes for our test subjects to finally find the perfect spot to drop their business,” added research partner Synthia Snorgenbort.

Despite an overabundance of conclusive evidence, the findings were initially met with skepticism from dog owners who seemed reluctant to accept that owning a dog could possibly be a year-round responsibility.

“I already clean up after my little Sparky dog seven-to-eight months out of the year,” explained dog owner and custom coaster designer Peggy Vindickel. “Who are these so-called scientists to tell me that I need to keep picking up his droppings even when there’s snow on the ground?!”

Vindickel added that although she is no scientist, she remains convinced that dog droppings melt and evaporate into the atmosphere just like snow in a process she refers to as "ecraperation."

Dog lover and avid fanny pack wearer David Shiftler of Williston was similarly dismissive of the study's findings.

“Just because a doo pile happens to be in the exact same spot my dog relieved himself when I took him out during a snowstorm three months ago, it doesn’t mean those are the same droppings,” he asserted. “Some other dog obviously left its business in that same spot in a desperate attempt to frame Clipper, who is a very good little boy, isn’t he? Yes he is. That’s my little man. Who’s my little fluff ball?”

When asked what he thought about these skeptical “pile deniers,” Bushwiggles responded, “Sadly, there will always be people willing to cast aside near-unanimous scientific consensus as fake while continuing to shit all over our planet.”

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.