The Parmelee Post: Sean Spicer Spotted at Canadian Border, Not Trying to Flee | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: Sean Spicer Spotted at Canadian Border, Not Trying to Flee

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DREAMSTIME | BRYAN PARMELEE
  • Dreamstime | Bryan Parmelee
The usually sleepy village of Derby Line enjoyed a rare celebrity sighting as White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made a brief appearance Saturday.

Residents first spotted him in Brown’s Drug Store, where he reportedly purchased the store's entire supply of bubble gum.

“At first I was pretty excited because I thought it was Melissa McCarthy,” said Derby Line resident Delores McFlouris. “I certainly did not expect to see an actual White House official traveling with no security detail and carrying a large back pack over his shoulder.”

McFlouris said that, once she saw him up close, it was obviously Spicer, although he was wearing a fake nose in an apparent attempt to disguise himself.

“He looked incredibly tired, like he had been crawling through the woods for days or something,” explained McFlouris. “I mean, he always looks pretty exhausted and angry on TV, but this time he looked like a prehistoric caveman who just escaped an icy tomb and put on some guy’s parka. And a fake nose.”

A small crowd quickly formed outside the store to greet Spicer as he left, ironically turning the situation into an impromptu press conference.

“I just asked him how his day was and whether he needed any recommendations while in the area,” said resident Judith Myklar. “Next thing I know, this guy starts rambling on about how tremendous everything is. He repeatedly told us that everything is going incredibly well and that we should remember to never believe anything we see with our own eyes.”

Residents said Spicer became visibly angry when asked if he intended to enter Canada, whose border runs right through the incorporated village of Derby Line.

“All I did was suggest that he spend some time in Québec while he’s up here,” said dual citizen and part-time librarian Francis Pantsleau. “All of a sudden he started shouting at me, calling me fake news and screaming, ‘I’m not fleeing the country! You are! You said that, I didn’t!’

“It was a pretty bizarre response coming from a man lugging around a back pack crammed with what looked like all his worldly possessions," said Pantsleau. "He can be hard to understand, and I'm pretty sure he was actually speaking Russian part of the time.”

Pantsleau said Spicer then claimed to be passing through to investigate the strength of the U.S.-Canadian border. He continued to adamantly insist that he was not trying to flee the country, even though no one had suggested he was.

As if the encounter weren’t strange enough, residents said an unmarked armored vehicle then pulled up next to Spicer as he screamed at the onlookers that he was totally not trying to leave America.

“Suddenly, the door of this giant SUV flings open and we hear an ominous voice say, ‘Emperor Bannon would like to speak with you,’” exclaimed store clerk Russell Normincuff. “Then a group of masked men hopped out, dragged Spicer into the vehicle, and sped away before he even knew what hit him! It was the craziest thing this village has seen since that time a skunk ran off with one of Mrs. Welbourne’s famous maple-apple pies,” declared Normincuff.

To the surprise of no one, the Trump administration has yet to comment on the unscheduled Spicer sighting. Calls seeking an explanation have gone straight to a voicemail greeting that says, “Fake. Fake. Fake. You’re all fake. Leave your fake message after the very real, very bigly tone.”

According to a statement from Canadian officials, all border patrol agents have been advised to be vigilant for other White House officials trying to sneak into their country. Not that Mr. Spicer was trying to do that.
The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened. Yet.

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