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The Parmelee Post: RNC Asks Scott to Prove Party Loyalty, Egg Poor Person


Published January 7, 2017 at 8:00 a.m.

The inauguration of Phil Scott as Vermont’s 82nd governor was met with a standing ovation, plenty of optimistic cheers, and a highly unusual request from party colleagues in Washington, D.C.

In a statement released Thursday, the Republican National Committee formally requested that Gov. Scott provide video evidence of himself throwing eggs at a poor person in order to prove his allegiance to the Republican Party.

“Gov. Scott’s inaugural address reaffirmed our suspicions that he is simply too reasonable and well-meaning to effectively represent our party,” said RNC spokesperson Chip Shouldevier. “He didn’t once mention eliminating health insurance for the poor, restricting access to public bathrooms to those who identify as M or F, preventing minorities from voting, or any other of the core tenets of our platform.”

The committee was quick to point out that Gov. Scott recently appointed five more ranking administration members who had worked in the administration of former Democratic governor Peter Shumlin. This might suggest that Scott places an unreasonable emphasis on prior experience.

“If this last election has taught us anything, it’s that Americans are not looking for previous experience when it comes to operating at the highest levels of government,” said Shouldevier. “Gov. Scott seems to think he can achieve his stated goals by working across the aisle and actually listening to his constituents. This ‘bottom up’ approach to governing is clearly at odds with our traditions. We suggest he learn how to persuade Vermonters that making the rich richer will benefit the state as a whole.”

The statement did acknowledge that Gov. Scott is now presiding over one of the least populous and most progressive states in the nation. Still, that fact seemed not to assuage concerns that his centrist attitude could harm the modern Republican brand.

“Frankly, Phil Scott needs to burst his way out of that Vermont bubble and realize that large swaths of vulnerable populations need to be punished,” said RNC member and dark magic sorceress Gwyneth Javall. “In Vermont and around the nation, more people than ever have come dangerously close to being able to afford basic health services. The RNC needs to know we have allies in all 50 states willing to put a stop to this.”

Surprisingly, the committee also considered the governor’s passion for driving race cars evidence of how removed he is from the rest of the Republican Party.

“This is a man who prefers to actually drive the race cars instead of watching them go around in circles on a television screen,” said committee member David Figly. “Talk about being out of touch! If you want to earn that 'R,' it's time to throw some of those free-range organic eggs at a low-income Vermonter!”

A spokesperson for the Scott administration was quick to retort, “Gov. Scott’s inaugural address was short on specifics, so it is unfair to claim anyone knows what to expect from his governorship."

The spokesperson was unable to comment on whether the governor had agreed to the RNC's demand to commit assault with a dietary weapon.

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened. Yet.