The Parmelee Post: Plotting Return to Sea, Technology Park Whales Invest Heavily in Fossil Fuels | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: Plotting Return to Sea, Technology Park Whales Invest Heavily in Fossil Fuels


Published May 20, 2017 at 6:30 a.m.
Updated May 20, 2017 at 1:56 p.m.

The stars of one of Vermont’s most popular roadside attractions have taken the unusual step of reinvesting their entire net worth into fossil fuel companies. That's according to financial documents obtained by the Parmelee Post.

The two celebrity whales have tragically been stuck in the ground in South Burlington’s Technology Park since 1999. They appear to have joined a concerted effort to maximize the effects of global warming in the desperate hope that the increased risks of flooding and rising sea levels will one day allow them to return to their native habitat.

Both whales were unreachable for comment because their mouths are several meters below the Earth’s surface. But a spokesperson for the once aquatic pair claimed that the marine mammals were simply following the state’s lead. He denied allegations they are acting purely out of self-interest.

“Consider the Public Service Board’s issuance of the strictest wind-turbine regulations in the nation, or their approval of the controversial Addison county pipeline or even just the state’s reluctance to divest its pension funds from fossil fuel companies,” said stranded whale spokesperson and blubber collector Roy Whatsillia. “These whales are clearly just following a statewide trend of welcoming climate change with open arms — or fins as it were.”

Whatsillia went on to point out that so far the only action Gov. Phil Scott has taken to address the changing climate was to co-sign a letter sent to a presumably illiterate man who is now in charge of the very federal department he once forgot the name of as he vowed to abolish it.

Despite Whatsillia's defense, climate activists have derided the celebrity whales’ investments as both selfish and shortsighted.

“A return to the sea might seem like a good idea now. But have these whales even considered how things like seawater acidification could harm their natural habitat in the long run?” asked marine biologist and solar-powered calculator collector Suzanne Bougelitti. “You can lead a fish to water. But if the water is acidic you might as well be swimming in a giant vast of piss.”

In a soggy letter written to the Parmelee Post, resident sea monster and minor league baseball deity, Champ, said that the whales should consider themselves lucky to be stuck on land.

“The lake may look pretty, but humans have been overly ‘fertilizing’ it with phosphorus for years now. And no one wants to pay to clean it up," it wrote.  "If it weren’t for the occasional summer skinny dipper I would have left this place ages ago to go live with my cousin up in Scotland's Loch Ness.”

In spite of these criticisms, Whatsillia says the whales are well within their rights to invest the money they’ve earned from being included in “Weird U.S.” tour guide publications and "Free the Whales" merchandise into oil companies such as Exxon Mobil and BP.

“There’s nothing illegal about prioritizing short term gain over long term sustainability,“ he said. “At the end of the day, the only difference between these animals and the state of Vermont is that these whales didn’t voluntarily stick their heads in the sand.”
The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.