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The Parmelee Post: Joe Biden’s Vermont Itinerary Revealed


Published October 14, 2016 at 5:28 p.m.
Updated October 14, 2016 at 5:29 p.m.

This intense election season has been nonconsensually grabbing the attention of otherwise self-respecting voters across our great state. So it came as a welcome surprise to learn that America’s favorite veep and chill uncle Joe Biden will visit the Queen City next Friday.

Batman’s second-string butler Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) invited the Vice President to attend an event at the University of Vermont Medical Center. But, according to an official itinerary obtained by the Parmelee Post, there’s quite a bit more in store for ol’ Joe in Vermont.

Immediately after the UVM event, Biden will appear at a town-hall-style meeting hosted by Scott Milne, the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate. According to the itinerary, this will be held in the boys’ locker room at Burlington High School.

Biden then will receive a factory tour of Vermont Teddy Bear in Shelburne, but there’s reason to believe it won’t be all snuggles and bedtime stories. Multiple sources have revealed the Vice President is upset that the company is making a 15-inch Tim Kaine Bear but has yet to create a lovable Biden Bear.

The veep and his entourage — including Burlington Mayor Miro Weinberger — will then travel to Essex Junction for a private event listed as “Free-Ridin’ With Biden” at Skateland Vermont. The itinerary notes that a Kool-Aid specially prepared by the mayor will be among the refreshments.

After tearing it up at one of the largest roller-skating rinks in New England — and proving once and for all that he can skate backwards — Biden will return to Burlington for a private glassblowing class at the Bern Gallery. This will be followed by a lengthy snack break.

Assuming he leaves room for dinner, Biden will then head down to the Hilton for a $2,500-a-plate-fundraising banquet for Sen. Leahy. During the event, Biden will star as the Joker in a live-action reenactment of Leahy’s infamous scene in The Dark Knight.

Biden then plans to scoot over to Aartistic Inc. in Winooski to inquire about getting a free Bernie Sanders tattoo. If that offer has expired, the itinerary suggests he would be willing to settle for a paid tattoo of a Hillary Clinton pantsuit instead.

Finally, Biden will round out his evening by meeting with Democratic gubernatorial candidate Sue Minter. The two will travel to Richmond, where they intend to break into several area homes and take all the guns away.

Biden is scheduled to depart at 10 p.m. from Burlington International Airport and return to Washington, D.C. He will spend the rest of his weekend in Latvia, Turkey and Sweden.

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened. Yet.