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The Parmelee Post: Generous Barista Adds Beard Dandruff to Drinks at No Extra Cost

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Caffeine connoisseurs are abuzz over what they say could be the beginning of the next big trend in artisanal coffee.

According to multiple eyewitness accounts, one area barista has been seen doling out liberal amounts of raw organic beard dandruff to his caffeinated concoctions at no extra charge.

“I ordered my usual soy decaf latte with a splash of maple, but noticed the barista was frantically scratching at his manly mane while crafting it,” explained sales coordinator and part-time succulent arrangement specialist Ann Marand. “As I saw a gentle dusting of dead skin cells fall into the mug I thought to myself, Oh my God. That would be so disgusting if he charged me extra for that.”

Much to her relief, no charge was added and she was able to enjoy an epidermis-enhanced latte for the cost of a flesh-free one.

“I think he was just trying to buck the trend of coffee shops charging people extra fees for every little change they make to their drink,” Marand added. “I always thought it was pretty messed up that I have to pay an extra 50¢ for soy milk, as if being lactose intolerant wasn’t punishment enough already.”

Fellow frappé fanatic and former fencer Francesca Therousen assured the Parmelee Post that Marand’s hair grazing experience wasn’t an isolated incident, either.

“That benevolent barista must have realized how bummed I was that he had run out of chocolate curls, because he took it upon himself add in some locally-sourced beard flakes to my drink as well without even asking me first," Therousen said.  "You can imagine how thankful I was when I realized it didn’t cost me one extra cent. As a self-proclaimed coffee aficionado, I’m always looking for new and exciting ways to mask the flavor of coffee.”

Therousen claimed the beard dandruff made her espresso taste more like a salted caramel mocha, but at a fraction of the cost.

Neither Marand nor Therousen would specify which Vermont coffee shop is serving up these free facial seasonings in fear of “blowing up the spot” and creating longer lines at the service counter. But both seemed confident that the trend would soon spread to other cafés allowing everyone the chance to taste the latest evolution in artisanal coffee.

“In a community so small and so saturated with coffee shops you have to do whatever you can to stay competitive,” explained Marand. “If one café is adding beard dandruff for free, you can’t start charging $1.25 for yours and expect to stay in business for long.

“There’s always pressure to shave off costs, but if you can find a way set your coffee apart without additional fees then you’ll start to see some real growth," Marand continued. "At least one barista in town has discovered how to become more than just a little stubble in our local coffee scene.”

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.

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