The Parmelee Post: Following Burlington Busts, Fatal Weed Overdoses at All-Time Low | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: Following Burlington Busts, Fatal Weed Overdoses at All-Time Low


Published August 29, 2019 at 11:30 a.m.
Updated November 10, 2019 at 1:20 p.m.

  • Bryan Parmelee | Dreamstime
  • Dudley Filjails
Federal law enforcement officials on Wednesday announced that deadly cannabis overdoses are at their lowest levels in the nation’s history.

Citing a string of recent busts in Burlington, the Drug Enforcement Administration said that fatal overdoses from cannabis consumption now stand at zero deaths per — well, probably ever.

“Thanks to busts we’ve made at two Burlington businesses this year, I can now say with confidence that there has not been a single deadly weed overdose anywhere in the country,” said DEA official Dudley Filjails. “This is all the proof we need to know that the war on drugs is working and is definitely not a complete and utter waste of taxpayer money.”

Filjails said that the latest Burlington bust, which occurred last week, was the result of a costly and intensive investigation that spanned many months.

“It took some of our finest special agents to determine that the Praise Jah Blaze It Up 420 Puff Puff Pass Skate Shop was selling more than just longboards,” he explained. “I know it seems highly unlikely that a business with a Jamaican flag and massive joint painted on its exterior would be involved in the cannabis trade, but our highly trained agents know to expect the unexpected.”

Asked if it would make more sense  for the DEA to steer its resources toward combating the nation’s deadly opioid crisis, Filjails defended the pot raids.

“Sure, opioids seem dangerous when you consider how many Americans they kill each year," he said.  "But unlike cannabis, opioids do have an accepted medical use, which is to help pharmaceutical companies earn billions of dollars."

According to Filjails, the Burlington busts send a very clear message: " If you’re going to peddle drugs, you better make unfathomable sums of money or else you will go to prison."

Vermont lawmakers legalized the possession of cannabis last year, but Filjails warned residents that they should be very, very afraid of the plant.

“Just because cannabis is now legal doesn’t mean that it can’t magically transform into the deadly drug we’ve always pretended it to be,” he said. “I, for one, will not sleep — nor arrest any of the CEOs of the companies which deliberately downplayed the addictive effects of prescription opioids and thereby created the biggest drug epidemic in American history  — until we get this damn pot off the streets!”

The Parmelee Post is an occasional series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.