The Parmelee Post: Cybersecurity Firm Says Russia May Have Hacked Santa’s List | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

Arts + Life » Humor


The Parmelee Post: Cybersecurity Firm Says Russia May Have Hacked Santa’s List


Published December 17, 2016 at 8:00 a.m.

  • Dreamstime | Bryan Parmelee
Good old Saint Nick may want to check his list for a third time this holiday season in light of recent evidence that his infamous naughty/nice database may have been compromised.

According to Williston cybersecurity firm Hack My Bits Up, a prolonged, Russia-based cyberattack may have messed with the privacy of Santa Claus’ annual behavioral records, which were digitized in 2009.

“Keeping paper records on every child in the world who observes Christianity — at least one day out of the year — was becoming increasingly cumbersome,” explained Data Elf, director of information systems at the North Pole. “So, like most 21st-century businesses, we digitized our records and transferred all that data into the cloud, assuming it was safe. Clearly, we were wrong.”

A spokesperson for Hack My Bits Up said that if it weren’t for the 2016 election, the attacks might have gone completely unnoticed.

“Obviously, Russia has been trying to join the ranks of institutions such as Goldman Sachs and ExxonMobil, who work hard to help ensure that Americans elect the correct candidates,” explained operations manager Debbie Donesdale. “As a result, we’ve been monitoring Russian web traffic quite closely and recently noticed a lot of it was directed toward the North Pole.”

Fearing the worst, a security specialist for the company bravely surfed the dark web. And, sure enough, he eventually discovered a leaked copy of Santa's list on the ethically dubious internet auction site SleazeBay.

“I could tell right away that the list had to have been compromised, because my son, Xavier Blossom, was listed as naughty, which simply can’t be the case,” bemoaned Thomas Rubblander. “He didn’t skip a single viola lesson this year, and even returned a misplaced $50 bill to its rightful owner after only three days of moral flip-flopping.”

Rubblander also noticed that notorious schoolyard bully Jimmy Clemons was on the nice list despite having blown a booger at Xavier, tying a cape around his neck and calling him the Snot-faced Crusader.

The other members of the firm agreed that the leaked list displayed a tell-tale sign of Russian interference: an obvious effort to reward unqualified bullies with free gifts at the expense of all the nice kids.

When asked why he thought the Russians would bother interfering with something as seemingly frivolous as the naughty/nice list, Rubblander explained that, like most geopolitical conflicts, it’s probably related to fossil fuels.

“More kids listed as naughty means more coal stuffed into stockings. In my opinion, Russia is colluding with coal companies to try and force Santa into helping to save their industry.”

Regardless of intention, a compromised naughty/nice list will surely create some unpleasant surprises come Christmas morning. But is the holiday irreparably ruined this year? Not so fast, said Data Elf.

“Thanks to the tireless efforts of the NSA, it has never been easier to monitor the past and present behavior of children around the globe simultaneously. Should he decide to do so, Santa still has more than enough time, and the authority, to call for a thorough review of the entire list before Christmas morning.”

Data Elf said he couldn't comment on whether Santa would call for such a review. But he assured the Parmelee Post that Russia, and everyone who is fine with that country's interference when it benefits them, are going on the naughty list indefinitely.  And will receive vegetable oil instead of coal.  

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.