The Parmelee Post: Burlington Workers Remove Unsanctioned Pool Noodle From Lake Champlain | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: Burlington Workers Remove Unsanctioned Pool Noodle From Lake Champlain

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DREAMSTIME | BRYAN PARMELEE
  • Dreamstime | Bryan Parmelee
Workers from the Burlington Parks, Recreation & Waterfront Department acted swiftly and decisively Saturday to remove an unsanctioned floatation device from Lake Champlain.

Citing navigational hazards, a crane operator safely recovered a pool noodle from the lake that had mysteriously appeared over the weekend.

“I like to have fun on the lake just as much as the next guy, but it’s also my duty to keep this lake navigable,” said crane operator and Slip ’N Slide enthusiast Thomas Skidderson. “Imagine what would have happened if a paddle boarder had come across this floating noodle and began wondering if there might be better ways to spend a day out on our beautiful lake?”

Despite the inherent risks, the nautical noodle had quickly become a popular attraction for lake-goers.

“I think it’s fantastic,” said parent and floatation activist Patricia Bouyéunt. “I haven’t seen my kids this entertained by a noodle since the ‘great pasta toss of 2014’ at the now-defunct Saucy Joe’s Spaghetti House.”

Although the popular pool noodle’s origins remain a mystery, an anonymous source contacted the Parmelee Post claiming responsibility for the short-lived aquatic attraction.

The individual referred to him or herself as “Waterfront Wanksy,” and claimed the floating noodle was actually a fully realized work of art.

“I create compelling and mysterious pieces that force us to question our most fundamentally held beliefs regarding the very nature of reality,” Waterfront Wanksy wrote in an email. “It’s a pool noodle, but I put it in a lake. What is a lake? Is it God’s pool? Are pools just mini lakes? These are the types of questions my work forces you to confront while you spend your day on the water.”

The removal of the noodle likely means that those questions will continue to go unanswered. But Skidderson said the device will now serve a new purpose.

“In the true spirit of Burlington, we do plan to reuse this thing instead of just throwing it away,” explained Skidderson. “There’s a wooden beam in one of our storage sheds that employees are constantly bumping their heads into. This would make a perfect padded bumper. Thank you, Waterfront Wanksy!”

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.

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