The Parmelee Post: Brewers Fest Exit Inspires Burlington's First Annual Leap Frog Relay | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: Brewers Fest Exit Inspires Burlington's First Annual Leap Frog Relay


Published July 22, 2017 at 3:39 p.m.

  • Dreamstime | Bryan Parmelee
It's  safe to assume that none of the revelers at the Vermont Brewers Festival at Burlington's Waterfront Park last Saturday knew they would play a part in establishing the state’s newest annual relay race.

Witnesses said it all began to unfold shortly after the end of the fest's fourth and final four-hour beer-tasting session of the weekend. As hundreds of hopped-up attendees made their way toward the festival’s single exit with all the ease and grace of a herd of iceskating giraffes, something unusual happened.

“The first person out of the gate just so happened to take a tumble,” said casual passerby and fidget spinner research assistant Janet McTwistly. “As luck would have it, the gentleman walking behind her hadn’t noticed she had fallen and tripped and stumbled over her like a fermented domino.”

That double stumble did not go unnoticed by the next person attempting to leave the hop-infused festival. The unidentified man promptly yelled, “Leap frog!” before hopping over the backs of his two fallen comrades.

It appears this first intentional leap frogger of the evening tapped into the collective blurry consciousness of the entire festival.

“Suddenly, everyone who was trying to leave the festival began leap frogging over the bodies crouched in front of them before anyone even had a chance to get back on their feet,” explained festival security volunteer and discarded wristband collector Scott Umlaut. “It was like a bizarre chain reaction that formed the first and only organized, single-file line I had seen all weekend.”

By the time each and every festival attendee had their chance to leap over the “frogs” before them, the line stretched halfway to South Burlington.

“We might as well make this a 5K!” yelled one ambitious amphibian.

“Or at least hop until we arrive at a bar that would still be willing to serve us!” responded a slightly more realistic toad.

To the surprise of no one except those participating in the relay, the froggers never did find an establishment willing to serve them more beer.

“No one in their right mind is going to serve a group of people who leap frog their way to your door, let alone a crowd of hundreds of them,” bar owner and serial pool cue ball scratcher Elijah Mafiah told the Parmelee Post.

Unwilling to accept defeat, the leap froggers formally declared the event to actually have been the first annual Burlington Leap Frog Relay.

“We will definitely do this again next year, and it’s only going to get bigger and better,” said self-proclaimed relay captain and walking cautionary tale Chad Dunkersbin. “Just imagine what we could do with a little sponsor money. And beer. Definitely more beer.”

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.