The Parmelee Post: 2016 Census Data Reveal Most Vermonters are Subarus | Humor | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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The Parmelee Post: 2016 Census Data Reveal Most Vermonters are Subarus


Published December 24, 2016 at 8:00 a.m.

  • Dreamstime | Courtesy Of | Bryan Parmelee
According to the latest data available from the United States Census Bureau, Subarus have surpassed non-Hispanic whites as the most prominent demographic in the state of Vermont.

A staggering 19 out of 20 Vermonters are now Subarus, representing a remarkable shift in the population of what had long been one of the whitest states in the country.

“I think it’s great news,” said Tyler Dillbucket of Williston. “Vermont gets a lot of crap for being so predominantly white, but I see Subarus of all makes and colors across the state. It’s nice to finally see some statistics that prove just how diverse we truly are.”

Subarus comprise a modest portion of the population in the other 49 states, but in recent years they have been appearing in Vermont at unprecedented rates. Social scientists seem to be simultaneously impressed and baffled by what they are calling Vermont’s “Subaru Surge.”

“Honestly, we’re not entirely sure how so many Subarus ended up in Vermont,” said scientist Melissa Headgrove. “All we know for certain is that they seem to have longer-than-average lifespans, which means we can expect their percentage of the population to continue increasing for decades to come.”

Others have responded to the recent revelation with skepticism.

“I think these census types are playing it a little fast and loose with their definition of ‘Vermonter,’” said Rudy Weiss of Fairfax. “Unless a Subaru has been registered in Vermont for two — no, three — generations, then, I’m sorry, but you’re still just a flatlander who happens to live here.”

The census findings have been particularly controversial among members of the so-called “alt-right” (formerly “racist douchebags”) movement, who have long suspected that their white hegemony is under threat.

“I’m not racist,” began Jim McJenkins of Irasburg, “but the fact that there are now more Subarus than white people in Vermont obviously means that my entire race, and therefore all of western civilization as we know it, is under attack. And I’m willing to bet at least two-thirds of those Subarus came here illegally.”

In a phone call to the Parmelee Post, noted white nationalist leader Leroy Pigsly of Alabama said, “Wait, Vermont is a state? I heard y’all saying that everyone deserved to have health care and I just assumed you was in Canada. Anyway, those Subarus are just looking for free handouts, and as soon as you turn your back on them, they’re going to take your jobs right out from under ya. It’s time to make Vermont America again.”

Despite these few vocal objections, most Vermonters seem to accept, and even welcome, the news of a more diverse state. And, in celebration of their newfound demographic dominance, a Subaru pride parade will henceforth take place on I-89, north- and southbound, on every hour of every day in perpetuity.

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.