Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband is an avid gardener, and I’ve reaped many benefits from his bountiful harvests over the years. This summer, he expressed interest in me getting my vegetables in a new way; rather than preparing meals with his veggies, he wants to use them on me sexually. We have always had a wonderful sex life (we’ve been together over 15 years and still make love regularly). I want nothing more than to please him, but I’m a little concerned about the safety of using vegetables — is thoroughly cleaning cucumbers and carrots enough before using them on me?

Signed,

Mrs. McGregor

Dear Mrs. McGregor,

Kudos to you and your farmer! It’s not always easy to keep a sex life interesting after 15 years, but it sounds like you’ve found ways to keep things spicy — just be careful things don’t get too spicy, in the literal sense. When it comes to using produce in the bedroom, make sure to weed out any irritants; ginger, mint and various other herbs grown in the garden can aggravate the sensitive tissue of the vulva or anus. (Unless you’re into that kind of thing — in which case, Google “how to use ginger for sexual play.”)

If done thoughtfully and safely, inserting vegetables into your openings can be as satisfying as eating them. The first order of business is choosing the best piece of produce for the job. When possible, choose a veggie that has grown a natural base. Most dildos are created with one wide end to ensure they don’t get lost in the body — I would hate to see you rushed to the ER with a zucchini stuck where the sun don’t shine. If none of your garden’s spoils has a natural base, choose one that’s large enough not to be lost (but not so large that it’s uncomfortable). Just as you do before eating them, wash your veggies thoroughly before play to remove any excess dirt (or pesticides that may be lingering on store-bought items). Even though you washed it, still use a condom to cover the implement before inserting. The condom will protect you should the vegetable snap during vigorous play, and it will help smooth any rough edges for easy insertion. And, please, don’t forget the lube!

Eating her veggies,

mm