Quick-and-Dirty Questions | Mistress Maeve | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Quick-and-Dirty Questions

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...

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Dear Readers,

Every now and again I like to do a roundup of some quick-and-dirty questions you’ve sent my way — a nice reminder that things don’t always have to be long and lingering to be satisfying...

Q: I have kids, a job and a husband. When I get into bed, all I want is sleep — not sex. Any advice on how to stay awake?

A: Time to reset your clock — sex isn’t just for night owls! Juggling a marriage, job and kids entitles you to a good night’s sleep, but you also deserve pleasure. Surprise hubby at work for a nooner, or send the kids to play at the neighbor’s — whatever it takes to sneak in some sex during the daylight hours.

Q: I hate my partner’s smoking!

A: Buy your partner an electronic cigarette — all the nicotine of a regular cigarette with none of the stench. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to put the hammer down: Quit or suffer the consequences. I’m not normally a proponent of ultimatums, but cigarette smoking is a nasty habit that could cause your love life to go up in smoke.

Q: What’s your best advice for getting out of a dating rut?

A: I suggest a “leave no stone unturned” approach. Join an online dating site, sign up for new classes or volunteer projects, and let your friends know you’re on the prowl. Between the online inquiries, new connections and setups, you’ll be swimming in dates in no time.

Q: I have read many sex advice columns in my day. I have always enjoyed living vicariously through other people’s sex lives. How come many weeks your column reads like a PG-13 “Dear Abby” letter?

A: For most people, sex comes along with complicated relationship issues — it’s not all anal sex and roses. I receive questions that run the gamut from first dates to first forays into fisting. I strive to actually help readers, not entertain the masses with salacious sex stories. What sounds PG-13 to you is a burning question for someone else. Here’s a suggestion: Stop living vicariously through others and start living your own naughty fantasies — then write me about it.

Q: Do you, or would you, like being forced to come when you are bound?

A: That’s for me to know and you to find out. Or not.

Until next time,

MM

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