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Pleasure and Pain

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...


Published October 16, 2013 at 11:19 a.m.

Dear Mistress,

My boyfriend is a masochist and really enjoys receiving oral sex, but whenever I try to give him pleasure he wants me to deep throat it. I have a gag reflex so it’s really hard to take in his full length. When I try to deep throat him, it’s hard not to get sick from gagging. But he enjoys it so much. What should I do?


His Girl

Dear H.G.,

If he likes doling out the pain, he’s not a masochist — he’s a sadist. And if you don’t know the difference, you might be in over your head. A sadist is a person who enjoys inflicting pain and discomfort on a partner, hence getting his rocks off while watching you struggle to take him all in. A responsible sadist is a person who only plays with a willing partner, and it sounds like you’re on the fence.

The bottom line: You should never, ever have to endure unwanted pain to have great sex. Period. End of story. It’s commendable that you want to please your partner, but perhaps intense blow jobs aren’t your thing — and that’s OK. He might be a sadist, but if his brand of pain isn’t working for you, it’s time to make adjustments. Have a talk with your boyfriend and let him know that your aim to please has you aiming for the toilet, and you’re not into it. If he’s worth your time and affection, he will understand and immediately stop forcing the deep throat. If he gives you a hard time, you need to seriously consider finding a new boyfriend.

Looking at the bigger picture, this is a prime time for you to do some “sex searching” — it’s like soul searching, only way more fun. Take some time to think about what you want from your sex life. Do you have masochistic tendencies? You might not be into deep throating, but perhaps you’re excited by nipple torture, spanking or flogging. If so, it sounds like you have a partner who would be keen to help you explore your desires. On the other hand, you may discover that you don’t enjoy pain at all. In which case it might be time to say good-bye to your boyfriend. Sometimes pleasure and pain play nicely together — and sometimes it’s a no-win situation.

More please,


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