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Out of Control

Crank Call


Published October 23, 2002 at 4:00 p.m.

OK, there's always the sniper, but first...

Why am I getting so much spam in my email advertising "Sick Violent Rape"? I gather it's pictures or videos that they're selling. I get tons of spam, but I can't imagine I ever pushed a button that could have hooked me up with these people. There's "Brutal Rape" and "Sudden Rape" and "Granny Rape" and "Incest Rape." Raping your mother, apparently, is big.

I swear by all that's holy I have never, ever, not even once opened one of these messages to see what it contains. And if you don't believe me, you can ask the homeland security people, who've got the right to look at anything they want to on my computer -- and yours, too, by the way.

It could be that I got on the rape list having once, "with no obligation," agreed to see if my computer contained any pornography or other improper content. The program was completely useless, flagging almost every document in my files. My brother's name is Dick, for example, so a lot of emails were put on the naughty list. Let's hope the Feds have better software than that!

And how about that Saddam Hussein? Winning reelection by a landslide and letting all the prisoners out of jail -- except for the ones he says are spies for the U.S. and Israel. There's a limit, after all. As Dubya says about our own preserve, "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier."

Apparently, the Iraqi people were so overjoyed by Saddam's magnanimous impulse that they rushed the jails and trampled a lot of the exiting prisoners to death. Most pundits are saying that Saddam's generosity is a blatant attempt to win the loyalty of his people before inspections fail and the U.S. pounces, but I don't agree. Saddam's an evil genius, don't forget, the greatest threat to peace since Hitler, and letting all the prisoners out makes Dubya look like a punk.

I'm sure I'm right about this. As Governor of Texas, Dubya signed more death warrants than any other elected official still alive in America. For a while, when he was running for president, it looked as if his campaign might founder because he'd mocked the appeal of a death-row inmate, Karla Faye Tucker, who asked for clemency on the grounds that she was a born-again Christian -- exactly what Dubya says he is. Told of her appeal, he pursed his lips and whimpered in a high voice, "Please, don't kill me!" Let's hope that someone a little less prissy leads the battle in Iraq!

And the Pope! The Vatican has canceled and nullified the American bishops' "zero-tolerance" policy for dealing with pedophile and other predatory priests. Just like that -- snap! The victims are outraged, but two-thirds of American priests are siding with the pontiff, according to a poll: "A majority of respondents said the church, while protective of children, has been unfair to accused clerics by rejecting their rights to due process." Meanwhile, 15 percent of those polled described themselves as "gay." Let's hope it's no more than that, because we don't want a backlash!

Readers of Seven Days' letters column will know that I'm always wrong when I address this topic. In fact, I'm never right. I don't know how I get into these tussles when I'm not even Catholic! So I'm moving on to North Korea, which isn't even Muslim, but nevertheless has admitted to having a nuclear weapons program of its own. It has "more powerful things as well," whatever those could be, although I'm sure they're "weapons of mass destruction."

Now, call me a Communist, but you can't blame the North Koreans for being rude. They're Point Three on the Axis of Evil, and they don't think the Bushmen have been dealing with them in good faith. Where they got this idea I can't imagine -- the mysterious East! Anyhow, they're not Muslims and they're hopping mad. The North Koreans are so mad that they've been violating international law and acting unilaterally, that's how mad they are.

Congressional Democrats are also mad that they weren't told about North Korea's "secret nuclear weapons program" until 12 days after the Bushmen knew about it. According to The Washington Post, "The Democrats suggest they were purposefully kept in the dark about North Korea to avoid complicating the congressional debate over authorizing the president to use force in Iraq." For this Congress, such a suggestion takes some balls, but what they ought to be asking is how one-third of the Evil Axis could have been working on a "secret" weapons program since 1994. Let's hope we get some better intelligence services real soon!

Now, about that sniper -- but wait! Bad Mom's back in the news. You remember, Madelyne Toogood-to-be-true, the mother who beat up her daughter on tape. I knew she wouldn't be content with just one episode. This time, she's charged with felony theft for stealing fabric from a department store. Let's hope she's got a whole series ahead of her!

And they can't catch the sniper? Come on!

Speaking of Crank Call