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Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...


Dear Mistress Maeve,

I have not had that much sex in the past 10 years due to germ-related obsessive-compulsive disorder. To "spice up" my nonexistent sex life, I have been making noise while masturbating (moaning and grunting) - it is the only way I can keep stimulated. I try not to be obnoxiously loud, but I live in an apartment complex with thin walls, and I'm sure the neighbors can still hear me. All of my neighbors are adults (no minors in the complex); however, I'm still concerned it might be offensive or creepy. Nobody has complained yet, but then again, it might be an awkward topic for them to bring up. Do you think it is OK for me to do this? Am I a creep for doing this?


One-Man Band

Dear O.-M. B.,

You are not alone, and you are not a creep - we all have anxiety about waking the neighbors with supersonic sex sounds. I don't see how your situation is much different, so don't further marginalize yourself by thinking you're the only one who has to worry. As long as your self-lovemaking produces noise within reason, you're in the clear. Besides, for all they know, you're carrying on with a partner - and, frankly, so what if you're not? Right now, you are pleasing yourself in the best way you can, and that should be celebrated.

That said, I hope you're receiving treatment for your OCD, because you deserve a hot, fulfilling sex life. If you haven't addressed your issues with a qualified professional, please do so. If you have addressed these issues but you're not seeing progress, it may be time for a new doctor; a variety of pharmaceutical and psychotherapeutic options are available to you.

Do the best you can to ensure you're being a thoughtful neighbor - don't make loud noises in the middle of the night and turn the music up a bit when you're self-pleasuring. If a neighbor makes a reference to "noise," adjust the volume on the moans and grunts. In the meantime, stop beating yourself up (pun intended).

Noisily yours,