Dear Mistress Maeve,
You know what would totally rock my world; make me wake up on the right side of the bed, have less road rage and perform more random acts of kindness? Achieving the "Big O" with a partner. Don't get me wrong, I can have an orgasm, but only by masturbating.
I have had fantastic sexual partners over the years - both men and women - and I have no problem getting aroused. Since I can climax on my own, I figure it's not a matter of mechanics; it must be about my ability to relax and communicate, right? I swear I've tried. I've been honest with my partners, asked for their help and patience. I don't feel shy or insecure during sex, but is it possible that I am still not "letting go" enough for the grand finale?
Women are always told, "You just have to relax and let go; then you'll have an orgasm." What does that even mean? It's too abstract, and it's a lot of pressure. With all that we juggle day to day, it's a miracle we can squeeze in a bubble bath, let alone enough Zen time to figure out how to "let go."
That said, think about why your "Big O" likes to play hide and seek with your partners. Is it because they're not touching you the way you need to be touched? Or does the thought of having an orgasm in front of your partner make you feel too vulnerable? Some of the strongest, most communicative women I know have a hard time letting their guard down enough to orgasm.
If it's a matter of mechanics, it's time for some show and tell. In my experience, people love watching other people masturbate. Ask your partner to pay close attention to how you're reaching climax - perhaps even describe what you're doing in sexy, breathy detail. Then have him or her give it a whirl with your instruction - you might even lend a hand.
If it's a matter of vulnerability, the prescription is the same: Get yourself off in front of your partner - a lot. The more you practice losing all control in your partner's presence, the easier it will be to "let go" and allow them to help you get there.