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My Wife Finds My Sexual Fantasy Disgusting


Published December 16, 2015 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated December 16, 2015 at 12:57 p.m.

Dear Athena,

I've been married for nearly 20 years, and most everything is cool. The thing is, I've always been turned on by the idea of coming on a woman's face. This goes back to eighth grade or so, when I first had a steady diet of sexual thoughts and daydreams. Over the years I have tried to get my wife into the hyper-sex-kitten mode in hopes that she'd take one for the team, but no luck. In fact, the idea disgusts her. When we have sex, it's playful and loving. She really isn't a prude; she's just not down with this. Before my birthday, she asked me what I wanted. She named a few things, and I said, "Those all sound cool, but you could save the money and just suck my balls while I come on your face." Needless to say, it didn't go over well. I got a watch and spent the evening drinking in front of the TV. My adult self says this shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm not going to seek alternatives; I love her too much. But the truth is, I am beyond frustrated. What to do?


Bottled Up in Burlington

Dear Bottled Up,

After 20 years of marriage, it's perfectly normal to want a little sexual adventure to explore your fantasies. It's awesome that you two have enjoyed a satisfying sexual relationship for so long, and it's clear that you love and appreciate your wife. But her resistance to your fantasy is causing tension, which can lead to resentment. Let's nip this in the bud.

Perhaps what's standing in the way is your approach, which, as you described it, was the equivalent of asking if you could pee on her face. She was asking you about gifts, and you came out with this off-putting (in her eyes) remark. That might have made her feel not just uncomfortable but inadequate.

First, you have to make amends. Apologize for being so crude. Gently explain your long-held fantasy and how much it would mean to you to try it, even once. Stress that it does not mean you're unhappy with your sex life, but you can't stop wondering about this one thing. And then, ask her what she finds disgusting about it. I mean exactly. Is it the mess? Suggest trying it in the shower — after which you would soap her up, wash her hair, do whatever gives her pleasure. And by the way, have you asked your wife whether she has any untapped sexual desires?

If this works for her, great. But here's another suggestion: Ask her if you could come on her belly, or even her breasts. Who knows? That might satisfy your fantasy. And/or it might desensitize her to you coming ever closer to her face. After all, that creamy, sticky goo is all natural and pretty easy to clean up. And if you've satisfied her, too, maybe she'll mind a lot less.