My Partner and I Don't Have Sex Anymore. Should I Get It on the Sly? | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

Arts + Life » Ask the Rev.

My Partner and I Don't Have Sex Anymore. Should I Get It on the Sly?


Published August 25, 2021 at 10:00 a.m.


Dear Reverend,

I've been with my partner for eight years. We love each other very much, and our relationship is great in every way — except we don't have sex anymore. I can't remember the last time we were intimate, but it must have been at least a year ago. I don't want to ruin what we have, but I need someone who can fulfill my sexual desires. Should I get it on the sly or tell my partner I want an open relationship?

Dr. Strangelove (female, 37)

Dear Dr. Strangelove,

I wouldn't recommend doing either of those things.

If you sneak around, you're going to feel really guilty — unless you're a total asshole — and you'll wind up telling your partner about it or they'll find out some other way. Trust me. I've cheated on every person I've ever been with, besides my late husband. It always comes out, it's never pretty, and it ruins everything.

On the other hand, you can't just tell someone you want an open relationship. Casually dropping that bomb over breakfast is not gonna go over well. You need to carefully consider your partner's feelings and tread very lightly. Even broaching the subject runs the risk of cracking open a big can of angry, jealous worms.

What you really ought to do is have a conversation with your partner about why the magic isn't magicking anymore and how that's been making you feel. Hopefully, the two of you can figure out the underlying cause of the lacking libido.

You say it's been about a year. Think about what else has been happening during that time ... like, I dunno, a global pandemic? Perhaps your partner has been too stressed out to feel sexy. Maybe they need help getting over other mental or physical hurdles. And be prepared for the possibility that the problem may have more to do with you than you'd expect. It may be a good idea to consult a professional counselor.

A 12-month dry spell certainly isn't worth throwing away such a long and loving relationship. It just may take a little extra teamwork to make your sexy dream work.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

Fill out my online form.