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My Husband's Oral Technique Is Too Rough


Published July 15, 2015 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated July 20, 2015 at 1:28 p.m.

Dear Athena,

My husband is always interested in pleasing me. He enjoys giving oral and especially loves to play with me with his hands. I enjoy that — to an extent. I do have some problems with his enjoyment (or over-enjoyment) of these activities...

When he uses his hands, he's too rough and fast, and he wants to do that for way longer than I'd like. When he uses his mouth, he is kind of rough there as well, but mostly he doesn't think about my comfort when it comes to positioning. I know that some of the reason he is so fast and rough is because he's so caught up in the moment and loses control, which is good, in a way. But I'm suffering a little here. I've tried to talk to him about it. He says he'll be careful. But it always happens again.


Having a Rough Time

Dear Having a Rough Time,

Let's start by counting some blessings. Your husband loves to please you. He is enthusiastic and passionate. He is willing to show you his love in all sorts of physical ways.

Whenever I'm faced with confronting a lover with a problem, I try my best to see the issue through a lens of gratitude and compassion. It softens my approach. And the more benevolent I am, the more likely I am to get what I want. Not a bad tip for any sort of confrontation, really.

You've tried talking to him, but when did you have this conversation? Talking about it over coffee or dinner isn't exactly the right time; it may be hard for him to grasp what he's doing wrong. If you want to see results right away, you have to deal with him in the moment. How about a little hands-on lesson?

Next time you're getting busy and he starts his wrestling match with your clitoris, intervene right way. Take his hand and move it where you want it. Gently move away from his mouth and offer him some direction before letting him proceed. When he's doing what you want, show your pleasure. Give him lots of positive feedback. If he gets carried away again, stop and show him again what to do. Think of it like training a new muscle: You'll have to do it over and over again before he instinctively starts to move the way you want him to.

If he really and truly cannot get it, take a little foreplay break. Slow things down and, when you've cooled off, tell him you're not having fun. Reassure him that you love his enthusiasm and passion for pleasure, but let him know his approach is distracting and uncomfortable. Maybe even invite him to share some tips on how you could be pleasing him better. He might be more understanding if he sees your requests as a conversation rather than a list of demands. If he does open up, be mindful of how you respond to his needs. Be as open and willing to change as you'd like him to be.

I hope you get to see the softer side of your partner soon. Chances are it just needs some gentle coaxing to help it emerge.