My Ex Wants Me Back But It Doesn't Feel Right | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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My Ex Wants Me Back But It Doesn't Feel Right


Published April 29, 2015 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated June 23, 2016 at 12:01 p.m.

Dear Athena,

I was married to this woman for a few years. We had it OK, but things were hard and then she wanted a divorce. We settled quickly, but almost immediately after we divorced, she was seriously involved with someone else. And she wasn't shy about flaunting it. It was really hard for me that she moved on so quickly. That relationship didn't work out too well, and then she came right back to me. She and I are involved again, but I don't know how I feel about it. Should I be with her again? Something doesn't feel right. What do you think?


To Be With Her or Not?


This whole thing leaves a yucky taste in my mouth. I am not a fan of anyone thinking that the heart is some revolving door they can just swing through any time they please.

Even if she's great and you have a lot in common, who's to say she won't swing right back out again? I'm not suggesting she's some conniving jerk, but you said it yourself: Something doesn't feel right. Trust that. You know what's best, and it sounds like she may not be it.

But let's say you decide to give her another shot. You said your relationship was "OK" and "hard." Has that changed? What's going to make this time around any different? It's really important to think about this before you get more involved. Things might be peaches and cream now, but give it time — many of the old patterns will resurface. How will you manage them this time?

If you really feel there's something here you can't let go of, I suggest two things. One, encourage her to attend couples counseling with you so you can work out what went wrong, set goals for what will be different now and rebuild the trust lost when she moved on to someone else. And two, examine your feelings more deeply. Is it possible that a fear of being alone is standing in the way of letting her go?

If that's the case, know that you'll be OK. You'll be better than OK. You deserve to be valued, to be happy. She may have some amazing qualities that are tough to resist, but someone out there will have those qualities, too, and will want only you.