My Boyfriend Doesn't Help Me Orgasm | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

Arts + Life » Ask Athena

My Boyfriend Doesn't Help Me Orgasm


Published June 29, 2016 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated June 29, 2016 at 10:12 a.m.

Dear Athena,

My boyfriend and I are a good couple, but I need some advice on our sex life. Most of the time he comes before me. That's OK, but then the sex is over. He just doesn't do anything to help me have my orgasm, and I don't know what to do. Also, I was thinking of getting a vibrator so we could come together, but I don't know which one to get or how to tell him I want one so he won't be weirded out. What do you think?


Come Together

Dear Come Together,

It's too bad your guy never got the memo that solo expeditions to Orgasm Town should be reserved for masturbating. Sheesh! It's time to put a stop to the selfish lovemaking or find another guy to get down with.

Even though you two are sharing in the act of sex, achieving orgasm needs to be your responsibility. That's not to say he shouldn't be a major player in getting there. But you need to be your own greatest advocate. Since it sounds like he's a little clueless, or lazy, tell him how you're feeling — or not feeling.

Unless you've been faking it, he must know you're not reaching orgasm. (And if you've been faking, stop! He'll never get the message, or, worse, he'll feel like a fool if he finds out you've been playing the part of his sexually satisfied girlfriend.)

Tell him that you enjoy sex with him and you're happy in the relationship but that you need his active participation and enthusiasm to make it the best it can be. He might be embarrassed that you aren't feeling as good as you'd like to, but hopefully he'll come around quickly to the idea that sex isn't for his pleasure only.

The next time you two are hot and heavy and it ends with you wanting more, don't wait. Before he gets up and walks away — or rolls over and falls asleep — tell him what you need, whether that's oral or his hands to stimulate you. Another time, suggest that he slow down his thrusting to give you more time, or enjoy extra foreplay to get you ready for the grand finale.

A vibrator is a great idea to help get you there, too. If he's uncomfortable with it, help him understand that a vibe will enhance his experience, too, when he sees how good you feel.

The Aries Waterproof Finger Vibrator is easy for both parties to use. It has a handle for your partner and comes in fun colors! Another highly effective piece is the Wand — it offers great deep vibrations. For a tiny, compact model, try the portable Pleasurette Mini. And if you want both clitoral and G-spot stimulation, try the G-Swirl Smartvibes.

If you and your boyfriend have a solid foundation and he cares about your happiness, I see no reason why you can't work together to improve your sex life — and have some fun doing it!