You just gave birth to a baby boy. Do you need to call all of your friends, or can you just post a photo and an announcement on Facebook?
Etiquette expert Emily Post couldnt even have imagined such a quandary; the author of the 1922 classic Etiquette passed away in 1960. But her descendents continue to dispense advice from the headquarters of The Emily Post Institute, located in the South End of Burlington, and they field questions such as this all the time. For an update on maternity manners in the digital age, I spoke with Emilys great-granddaughter, Cindy Post Senning, coauthor of Emily Posts Table Manners for Kids, and Anna Post, Emilys great-great-granddaughter, an author and spokeswoman for The Emily Post Institute. There are many, many more manners-related resources including kids books available on the institutes website.
Kids VT: What is the appropriate time to announce a pregnancy?

- Anna Post
ANNA POST: Often its recommended by doctors that you wait three months, just because it can be a little dicier in the earlier months, and you want to be really sure when you announce.
CINDY POST SENNING: The only time that it might be different is, some women have a lot of nausea and vomiting, so they might want to talk with their supervisor, so people [at a workplace] understand.
Its also true that if you tell people on day one, nine months is a long time for pregnancy to be the focus of whats going on in your life. Even if youre not making it that way, maybe other people are.
KVT: What is the appropriate way to announce a birth?
AP: Its best to let your close family know first, so that mom doesnt feel hurt if she finds out from her neighbor, who saw it on Facebook. So think parents, think grandparents, think your own children. Those are the real must-knows, from you, or from your partner. And then, anybody else you might be especially close to, like maybe a best friend, or maybe your aunt whos like a mother.
CPS: And those should be a personal connection, a phone call or something like that. Not just sending them an email.
AP: There were a lot of questions a year to two years ago about tweeting during the birth and the delivery. Im of two minds. Maybe mom wants her partner out in the hall, out of her hair. If mom has given her blessing, then sure, go for it, but let people know who might want to opt into that, so they have the option.
But also be aware of TMI [too much information] with this one. Episiotomies might be a little TMI for some people. Even if youre comfortable talking about some of the intimacies of giving birth, some of the people listening for updates might not be comfortable hearing about it.
In general, I think its dicey, though, to be tweeting, and heres why. Its not that I dont understand that, for some people, this is the perfect solution to letting a big, huge family know. I totally get that. Nine times out of 10, though, I think its a bad idea, because its dividing your attention and your focus. Whos the person tweeting, and what arent they doing while theyre tweeting? Thats the part that concerns me. Not that tweeting is wrong, or sending updates to Facebook from your phone. Its more what you arent doing while youre doing that, and who you arent giving all of your attention and focus to when youre doing that.
KVT: And birth, as its going on it can be a dicey proposition.

- Cindy Post Senning
CPS: You dont know when somethings going to happen, thats right.
AP: And I would hate to consider some of the more sobering sides of things, but thats exactly true. If things did take a turn, its not the way that people should hear about any unfortunate news. Or even news where everybody is with us, but maybe not quite healthy at the moment. There are ways that that news should be shared, and I dont think it should happen over Twitter or Facebook.
CPS: And the other thing that happens sometimes, maybe with Facebook more so than Twitter: pictures. I have heard about people talking about pictures of births.
KVT: Actual pictures of births? I would think youre not taking a picture as your child is born.
AP: [Laughs] You would think…
CPS: That is exactly what Im talking about.
AP: Mom holding new, swaddled baby, awesome. Getting weighed, A-OK. Dad holding baby right after baby comes out. Great.
Baby emerging lets leave that in Knocked Up with Katherine Heigl.
CPS: Thats part of your TMI, really.
AP: I would definitely vet any photos with both parents. Because, maybe its not even the parents taking the pictures. Maybe its granddad. Maybe its your 11-year-old kid who thinks its funny, or whatever. Parents should be the only ones disseminating pictures of their new kids.
And, you know, youve got to ask in the moment. Youve got to show her the photo. [Ask,] Are you OK with me sending this out? Not just, Are you OK with me taking the picture?
It is a really great thing to talk about with the people who might be at the hospital. Thats definitely a conversation to have in the week or two leading up, so people know both how [the mother] feels about photos and about how information goes out if you want it to come from you, if youre OK with having a little phone tree, who should hear, whos on your must-know list, whether youre comfortable with this going up on Facebook or Twitter, or if you want that to be embargoed.
KVT: Something Ive seen happen a lot lately is, someone doesnt say anything on Facebook about a pregnancy, but one of their friends hears about it, or hears that the baby has been born and writes congratulations on his or her public Facebook wall.
AP: Facebook faux pas! Dont do that. Until you see someone talking about it on Facebook themselves the mom-to-be or the dad-to-be dont bring it up. In fact, one of my friends made her wall unwritable because she didnt want some of her close family who knew about it early to blow it and put it up there until she was ready to share. You dont have to do that, but it is a good point, that you might get scooped.
KVT: Lets say youve put up an announcement on Facebook: Everyone sees the name, the birth weight, all the details there. Do you still send an announcement in the mail?
AP: Probably to your close friends and family, if you want to. Some people dont for environmental reasons. Some people do it as an email instead. But I actually still get them from people. I think its kind of a sweet thing.
CPS: Know your audience. The grandparents may even have an email address, but they may not. If you sent my father an email to his email address, he wouldnt see it for six months. The kid would be walking into his room before he knew about it.
KVT: What is the acceptable window for gift giving?
AP: Any old time. From as soon as you find out, to a random date in the middle, to right before or right after the babys born. Really, this is completely up to you. And its a lovely gesture. Its a really nice thing to do.
KVT: And then the follow-up question, what is the appropriate window for writing a thank-you note?
AP: As soon as possible.
KVT: Theres this idea that you get, like, a year…
AP: Yeah, that comes from a myth from weddings, and its not even true for weddings. If you just had your baby, I would say sometime during maternity leave the three-month average maternity leave time whether youre taking it or not.
We know that new moms and dads are tired, but you need to find a few minutes somewhere during that time to take care of it, preferably as soon as possible, also, so that the person who gave the gift, if they mailed it, knows that it got there.
If were talking a gift from a baby shower, youve got at max a couple weeks. You should really be doing it right after the shower. You havent had your baby yet, so you dont have that excuse.
KVT: Other things that new parents, or their friends and family, should do or definitely avoid?
AP: Dont touch the belly unless the mom invites you. Its gotta be moms call. And you cant really ask. I mean, you can, but you cant. I dont even know what to tell you on that one. But dont just run up and touch someones belly.
CPS: People seem to think when somebody is pregnant that all of the etiquette associated with not asking really personal questions is out the window, and its not. You dont ask them if theyre late or overdue, because they might only be seven months along.
AP: Or it might be a sensitive topic. There are friends you may know who are struggling to get pregnant. And asking them a lot of questions about, So, what finally worked? They can volunteer that information, and you can be supportive without being intrusive, but it really has to come from them.
KVT: So if you begin to suspect a woman you know is pregnant, you dont say anything?
CPS: You just dont go there. Wait until she announces it. You dont go to somebody and say, My, youve gained weight!
AP: Dont comment on someones physical appearance Oh, is that a belly I see? Are you expecting? No, no, no, no, no.
It also comes up with adoption. Dont assume that because someone is adopting they couldnt have children. I have a friend for whom this is a very sensitive topic. She can have children, but shes really interested in adoption, and people are saying, Oh, Im so sorry, or Whats wrong that you cant have kids?
She had a lot to say to me on that topic. Shes, like, Wheres the etiquette in that? Absent, apparently.
KVT: Often, if youve adopted or used artificial insemination, as soon as people find out that some other method is involved than the one theyre accustomed to, they have questions. How should people approach those topics, and how should parents respond?
AP: Theres a difference between idle curiosity and educational curiosity. Either way, you have to let the person youre asking set the boundaries.
If I were interested in a very respectful, curious way, what I dont do is ask you questions right then. I ask you permission to ask you questions. And theres a really big difference between those two things.
Its not that people cant be curious and interested. I often think that educational interest is a really, really terrific thing when people are willing to share about it. But, you have to ask if you can ask questions.
CPS: And then the response to that, if you dont want to be talking about it, is to say, I really appreciate your curiosity about this. And, you know, theres an organization that has a ton of information, and Im even glad to give you their number if you want. Personal questions are personal questions. Its not good etiquette to be intruding in peoples personal lives.
We didn’t have room to print the entire conversation in the magazine. In this online-only excerpt, the etiquette experts discuss baby showers. Read on…
KIDS VT: Who do you invite to a baby shower?
ANNA POST: Let me actually start with who usually does the inviting, because you dont really throw a baby shower for yourself which, believe it or not, some people are not aware of. Its a little too much of a grab for gifts.
It didnt usually used to be a mom [of the mom-to-be], but these days sometimes theyre the most convenient person. Often its a close friend.
Youre inviting your close friends. In some cases, you might be inviting some aunts, your mom, the dads mom, and maybe any of his (usually female) close relatives who live nearby. Maybe the dads sister is invited. That kind of thing.
Or the partners close family or friends could be included as well.
Sometimes theres more than one shower. You might do an office baby shower.
CINDY POST SENNING: And that would be a different crew. You dont then, at an office shower, extend an invite to all the cousins and the moms.
KVT: So you dont mix the guests?
CPS: You could.
KVT: But you dont want to invite someone to two baby showers.
CPS and AP: No.
AP: For sure. And if you get invited to two, just pick one and roll with it. You can go to two if you want, but you only need to bring a gift to one. And I think its really lovely if the mom mentions that fact. Oh, and thank you, Cathy, for your beautiful gift! She was at a shower for me last week. So, now all the other attendees know that Cathys not shorting mom-to-be on a gift.
Its just a little etiquette 2.0 for moms-to-be. But really, you shouldnt have been invited to two.
KVT: What about partners? Do the guys get invited now?
AP: They can.
CPS: Ask the mom-to-be. She might enjoy a shower that was just the girls.
AP: But you could also do complete co-ed, where some of his friends are invited. I think thats a little less common. It is often sort of a girls thing, but just by volition, not because its required to be so. If it works for you to go co-ed, have fun.
On saying thank you:
AP: Traditionally, if someone gave you a gift, and you thanked them in their presence for the present, you didnt need to send a note. Showers are an affair where youre not focusing so much on just one individual. Even when you say thank you in the moment there, you should send a note afterward as well, thanking them for coming and for their gift.
And, you cannot take your envelopes from your pretty little stationery and put them at the front door and ask everybody to write their name and address on them and then draw door prizes with it. That is not OK.
CPS: Its one of our few imperatives.
AP: You really cant ask your guests to do part of your thank-you-note work for you. What you can do is have a guestbook, and ask them to sign it with their address.
On registering for gifts:
AP: You can certainly be registered for a baby shower. Usually one store, maybe two. Draw it at two, though.
I think its really nice to have a brick-and-mortar store on there, for people who, for whatever reason, dont want to shop online, or if you have someone whos a little bit older whos not Internet friendly.
And with the registry, have a little bit of a range of gifts. You cant have just expensive strollers and cribs, or youre not going to get very much. Its also always OK to buy off registry. But I do think its a good idea to take a look at the registry and get a good idea of what they like, if you can.
You can put registry information right on a shower invitation. It is just really helpful information, since thats the whole purpose of this shower, to give gifts.
Also, you can have a baby shower for a second, third, fourth child, but you need to make the guest list your close friends. And, to be really honest, the showers are really to get you set up as a parent. Guests are not always as sympathetic to an elaborate baby shower for your third, and I cant say I blame them entirely. Not saying you cant do it, but you might scale it back. Or, if you just want to celebrate that youre having a baby, you might say were having a shower, no gifts, just advice, or bring a favorite baby nursery rhyme to put in a book.
CPS: You do showers for adopted babies. And if they adopt an older child, be sure you dont send a little thing with little duckies. Be sensitive about that.
AP: Also, for shower hosts, check with mom about what she can eat. The list is getting more and more restrictive these days about what moms-to-be can and cannot eat. And whether or not you think those restrictions are reasonable is another question.
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