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M. Night Shyamalama-Ding Dong


Published June 24, 2008 at 8:13 a.m.

I went to see The Happening last night. What a huge load of crap. For the love of all that is sacred to you, please don't waste your precious time & money on such a big, stinky fart of a film. It was so bad, that when the credits came up I vowed — out loud — to never return to a movie theater.

The acting throughout the film was stunningly bad. I'd have to say that the best performance was carried off by Marky Mark's nostrils. All I could wonder was how much he and that Zooey chick got paid for such a walk in the park.

Everyone in the audience laughed out loud a bunch of times during the movie and I'm still not really sure if it was meant to be funny or not. Thank goodness though, because the laugh factor was the film's only saving grace. The scene where a woman is watching a video on her cell phone of a guy having his arms ripped off by lions in a zoo made me practically wet myself. Ab-so-lutely hilarious. An hour or so after the movie, my buddy and I were still cracking up about how horrible the film was, so It was practically worth the $16.50 we spent.

Sure, it seems possible that plants can communicate with each other. Maybe even produce some neurotoxin that could make people loopy. But I doubt that plants can summon the wind when they need to spread said neurotoxin.

If this neurotoxin causes people to be paralyzed for a few seconds (the extras looked like really crappy live mannequins in an 80s mall window), then mumble some weird crap and then not be able to walk forward for a few steps, how can they figure out such intricate ways of killing themselves such as turning on an industrial lawn mower and causing it to go in a semi circle so you have enough time to lay down in front of it and get mowed to bits?

Everybody's seen the red Jeep smashing into the tree on the commercials for this stinkbomb. What you don't see is that the driver and one of the back seat passengers go flying through the windshield on impact. However, John Leguizamo's character, who was sitting in the passenger's seat with no seat belt, walks out unscathed. Of course, then he sits on the ground by the Jeep and finds some glass to slice his wrists.

My companion put it best when he said that The Happening "didn't seem to be a movie at all — nothing happened."