I have been dating a great guy for about six months. He’s handsome, educated and ambitious, which are highly desirable qualities to me. We have been living together for two months, have sex about nine times a week and overall enjoy each other’s company.
Recently, I was using his laptop and accidentally brought up his internet history. I discovered some porn sites, which would be no big deal, but these were gay porn sites! Not only that, I also found sites where men were soliciting other men for oral sex. What could I do? I immediately went to him and asked him if he was gay (nicely, I swear).
He didn’t get defensive, and he explained that he used to do a lot of drugs back in the day and tapped into a freaky and kinky side. He told me he likes to look at these sites for the “taboo” factor, but I still think that makes him pretty gay! Should I believe that this is just some kind of fantasy fetish? Even if it’s just fantasy now, isn’t it possible that he’ll want to explore it in real life someday?
Looking for the Straight Story
A person’s sexuality cannot be determined by the type of porn he watches. Just because I watch girl-on-girl porn or gang-bang scenes doesn’t necessarily mean I want either of those things in real life. I agree with your guy — taboo sexuality is arousing, and for some men in our straitlaced society, visiting gay porn and cruising sites is about as taboo as it gets.
That said, let’s not ignore some major red flags. Your guy attributed his “kinky side” — a side that he was hiding from you — to drug use in the past. This type of secretive behavior indicates a strong suppression of his desires and possibly a high level of shame surrounding his fantasies, which could blow up in your relationship later on.
Also, I wasn’t born yesterday — there’s no way you “accidentally” clicked on your boyfriend’s internet history. Something made you spy on him, which indicates that you don’t completely trust him. You’ve got some serious thinking to do. A monogamous relationship in which one partner is bisexual is absolutely possible, but you’ve got to trust him — do you?
Bi for now,