I've been married six years, and things in the bedroom are a disaster. My wife is 40 and I'm 33, and she's no fun: no oral giving or receiving, won't try anal and is never in the mood. When we do have sex — once every week and a half or two weeks — the sex is boring and repetitive. I thought it got better with age, and I find myself lost for answers. What do I do?
Out of Ideas and Suffering
I hear a lot of distress and complaining in your letter, but you haven't said what you've done to try to fix this. When was the last time you took your wife on a date? Told her she was beautiful? Showed her how much you need and love her?
Relationships take tending to. If you don't act soon, this sexual divide will grow and your marriage will suffer. In fact, it seems that yours already has. You sound bitter, and that has to go. The angrier or more resentful you become, the harder it will be to get close to your wife again and liven up your bedroom routine.
Have you asked how she feels about your sex life? Maybe she's dissatisfied, too. Even if she's content, I'd be surprised if she hasn't picked up on your disappointment. Things aren't going to get better until you talk. So talk. Pronto.
From what you've said, she may also be feeling less than giddy about getting it on these days. Prepare yourself to hear that, and try not to let it hurt your ego; you can't grow closer by pushing her away.
I'm guessing you both have more stress and responsibility in your lives than you used to. The daily grind can really get in the way of sexy time. The good news? You can work together to make things hot again.
Think back to when you were dating. What used to turn her on? Revisit that, and re-create those steamy early encounters. In the beginning of relationships, we go to such great lengths to seduce our partners and secure their love. It's important to continue doing so in marriage.
It may also be time to revise some of your ideas of intimacy. If she's simply not feeling oral or anal right now, get physical in other ways. Next time you're in bed together, get completely naked — not for sex, but just to feel her body next to yours. Hold her close and go to sleep. Or try going for a sweaty run with her and bathing together when you get home. After dinner sometime soon, turn on your favorite music and dance with her in the living room. Getting close, physically and emotionally, is such a turn-on.
Most importantly, get off the "woe is me" train and take action. You owe it to yourself and your Mrs. to make this right, through sickness and health, good times and bad. Get creative. Get romantic. Open up.