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Ask Athena: Is My Guy Just Using Me for Pleasure?


Published October 11, 2017 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated October 12, 2017 at 10:15 a.m.

Dear Athena,

I began seeing this guy about four months ago. We've already had sex and are moving on to more kinky and fun things in the bedroom. I want a serious relationship with him and to make him fall in love with me, but he is saying to take things slow, and that he rarely jumps from girl to girl — therefore he is serious about me. He hasn't been talking to any girls, seeing anyone or having sexual affairs with anyone but me (as far as I know). I believe him, but I'm not sure if he is just using me. He does crazy things sometimes, like always making me deep-throat, etc. What do you think? Is he using me for his pleasure only, or could he possibly be serious?


Kinky Love

Dear Kinky Love,

First of all, hear this: You can't make someone fall in love with you. He says he's serious. You're pretty sure he hasn't been playing the field. What else can he do to convince you he's committed? Ask yourself that question, and then don't be afraid to ask him for what you need. If he's truly serious about you, I imagine he'll be happy to give it.

But don't be mistaken: There is no party trick or password, no gesture or act that can move this thing along faster. Give your romance room to grow. You might be pleasantly surprised at what it grows into.

Falling in love is rarely a "one look and I knew" sort of thing. It takes time, patience and faith for most long-term partnerships to evolve. Your relationship is still very new. Maybe this kinkiness is a way of becoming more vulnerable and intimate with one another — making room for love to blossom.

However, playing bedroom games and having kinky sex — or any sex, for that matter — must always be consensual. In no way should sex be a method to win someone's heart. If you ever feel you're doing anything that isn't motivated by your own desire or needs, stop! And take a break to reassess if he's really worth sacrificing your self-worth.

Regard your body as a temple. Treat it with kindness, and share it with someone who honors it the way you do. Sex is not a tool to wield love or power in a relationship. Talk to your partner. Tell him how you'd like your relationship to be. If you two are going to last, an open line of communication is the only road to your life together.