Dear Mistress Maeve,
My wife and I have been a couple for more than 20 years. The sex is very good – when we do it. We average about once per week, but I wish it were two or three times. She works from home, and I asked her if she masturbates during the day, and she confirmed that she does.
The problem is that I wish she would not take it upon herself to orgasm; I would like her to wait for me. I have talked to her about this and, after the talk, it is better for a few weeks, and then it goes back to the way it was. How should I approach this?
Dear Into Her,
First, let’s address what’s going well. Kudos on your enduring relationship. You’re clearly still into one another, and I commend you for working to make your relationship even stronger.
Regarding your “problem,” I have a radical idea for you. It’s quite possible that your wife’s masturbatory habits have nothing to do with the frequency with which you have sex. If you’re trying to have more sex with your wife by decreasing the number of times she has sex with herself, you’re going about it all wrong. In fact, I would argue that the more you encourage her to engage with herself, the more likely she will be to have sex with you.
Women’s bodies are magical multiple-orgasm machines. Unlike men, we don’t have much of a refractory period before we can perform again; thus, it doesn’t matter how many times she gets off during a workday — she is fully capable of coming again when you get home. If she’s not into having sex with you as much as you’d like, perhaps you’re not appealing to her emotionally. Think about it: By petitioning her to stop masturbating, you’re putting limitations on her pleasure and connection with her body — does that sounds sexy to you? It doesn’t turn me on, that’s for sure.
Forget about her daytime diddling and rev up the romance and intimacy. During particularly heightened sexual times in your long relationship, what was working well? Do more of that! If you stop focusing on what she shouldn’t be doing and start focusing more on what you could be doing, you might see a positive shift toward the bedroom.
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