I am interested in a woman who's so focused on work and making money for a new house that she can't commit to any time with me. She tells mutual friends that she is into me but doesn't show me anything. When I say that I am attracted to her, she says "ditto" or "same here" — that's it. She's been in some bad relationships in the past and says she wants to take it slow. But, to be honest, it's not going anywhere. She says she's too busy, but constantly tells me how she and her roommate are going out to dinner and planning trips. I think I am just spinning my wheels and she's not into me. But when I confront her with this, she ends up calling a couple of days later and saying she misses me. I'm at the point where it's making me feel insecure. I think I should just end it. What do I do?
Dear Mixed Up,
You're right: This "relationship" is mixed up. But it's not you. It's her. My hard-and-fast advice here? You need to let this woman go.
Are you sleeping together? If you two are intimate and she's always "busy" when you want to spend time together outside the bedroom, she may be using you for sex. If that's the case, it's time to say "see ya," and find someone who wants all of you — not just a part-time lover. While it may be tempting to hold onto a physical relationship with someone you really like — especially if the sex is fabulous — that scenario can get messy, fast. It can hurt when one of you wants more than the other is willing to give. And it's clear that you want more.
If you're not having sex, maybe she has a confrontation issue. It sounds like you've talked to her, you've talked to her friends, and you've been open and direct. But she seems to be playing you. I think she needs an ultimatum.
Tell her exactly what you want. Spell it out. She may not be ready for it, now or ever. She may say you're being too needy. She says she wants to take it slow, which I get — she's got a history of bad relationships. But this isn't working for you.
You deserve to be in the kind of relationship you want to be in, one that makes you feel good — not insecure. You should be singing in the rain, howling at the moon, smiling at nothing — not wondering and worrying. Tell her it's now or never. If she's not into it, move on. It's her loss.