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I'm in a Polyamorous Triad With My Husband and His Girlfriend


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Dear Reverend,

I'm in a loving polyamorous triad with my husband and his girlfriend. (Let's call her Dani.) We do lots of stuff together: cook meals, go on day trips, garden, watch movies. It's a really nice little family dynamic. They're sexual with each other, but I'm not with either. I prefer to date outside our group.

Since the quarantine hit, both my husband and Dani have been unemployed. My husband is high risk, so it has been safer for him to stay home. With the extra unemployment benefit ending, Dani casually mentioned that she wondered who would have to give up their place and move in with the other first if we can't all afford rent. For the record, I have a well-paying job and have been able to work from home during all of this.

Dani has been part of our lives for a year, and we both care very much about her. I'm wondering what financial responsibility we should all feel toward each other? Should I offer to help support her or extend an invite for her to come live with us? Or should she go back to work? If she went back to work, it would drastically alter the interaction she'd be able to have with my husband. Please bestow your wisdom!

Poly in Pandemic Politely Inquiring (Pippi, female, 37)

Dear Pippi,

My first reaction was, "Whatareya, nuts?" — because I can't imagine palling around with someone who is banging my husband. Especially if I'm not banging either one of them. But I'm not one to judge, and I know there are all sorts of ways to be in this life.

That being said ... whatareya, nuts? My gut feeling is that the three of you living together and you offering to support her financially would create a recipe for disaster. You'd basically be living with two roommates and footing most of the bill. I imagine that would get old fast and could lead to a whole heap of resentment on your part. Dani is a grown woman and, if she's able to, should get back to work. If that affects her relationship with your husband, so be it. You and he are married, and that commitment comes first.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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