Ask Athena: I'm Engaged to Be Married and I Don't Want to Do It | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Ask Athena: I'm Engaged to Be Married and I Don't Want to Do It


Published August 2, 2017 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated August 2, 2017 at 12:58 p.m.

Dear Athena,

I am engaged to be married in about two months. I don't want to do it. I know it's wrong, and I've known it for a long time now, but I am afraid to get out of it. So many people have been involved in planning, and lots of money has been spent, but I can't marry him. I just don't want to do it. I know we will be unhappy, because we are now. We try not to be, but we are. I hope this is just jitters. And that's also why I am still with him. What now?


Almost Married

Dear Almost Married,

Abort mission! Abort mission!

This sounds like way more than "just jitters." You already know how you feel — why spend thousands of dollars to be sure? Money aside, taking action now will save you, and your fiancé, years of unhappiness and wasted time.

I'm not going to help you find reasons to stay. You already have more than enough reason to leave. You said yourself that you two are trying to be happy. If you can't make it work now, how do you expect that to ever change? Marriage won't fix something that's already broken. Twice you straight-up said, "I don't want to do it." That's all you or I need to know.

Tell your partner right away. You're miserable and, apparently, so is he — or he will be if he marries you and finds out later that you didn't even want to do it. Worst-case scenario: He's totally furious. He might hate you for a bit, or forever. Maybe your parents will be sorry they wrote those checks. Maybe your friends will roll their eyes. Don't let that stop you.

This is your life to live, my friend. Yes, this current situation is a big fat shit show. It sucks that you've wanted out for as long as you have without saying anything. You're scared of disappointing everyone, but the fallout will pass. You won't be sad or embarrassed or troubled forever, but you must face this head-on and say no to these nuptials ASAP. It's OK to change your mind. It's OK to make mistakes. What's not OK is being dishonest to the people who love you — starting with you.