I'm Dating Someone Who Texts Me Too Much | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I'm Dating Someone Who Texts Me Too Much

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Published January 11, 2023 at 10:00 a.m.
Updated January 11, 2023 at 10:16 a.m.


ID 55684214 © SURIYA SIRITAM | DREAMSTIME
  • ID 55684214 © Suriya Siritam | Dreamstime

Dear Reverend,

I've been casually dating a guy for a year. Recently we decided to call each other "nonmonogamous partners," but we may not be on the same page about what that means. He texts me all day long with updates about his daily activities. I feel pressured to reply, and it's stressing me out to feel like I'm constantly being poked. How do I tell him to dial back the communication frequency without hurting his feelings? He told me he loves that we text all day.

Sadie Moji (woman, 38)

Dear Sadie Moji,

If you've already navigated tricky conversations about the boundaries of a nonmonogamous relationship, it seems that talking about texting should be a breeze. But I understand your conundrum. I tend to avoid confrontation and can pussyfoot around a problem like nobody's business. However, that rarely results in a resolution.

Your fella will never realize that his behavior is annoying if you keep your lips zipped. The longer you wait to bring it up, the more the issue could fester and cause bigger problems. Approach the subject gently, and I guarantee the discussion won't be as bad as you imagine.

Since you're most concerned about his feelings, start the conversation there ("I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...") and proceed honestly. Let him know that you suffer from text anxiety — it's really a thing — and that getting a lot of notifications during the day makes you jumpy. Offer an alternative: Perhaps you would rather share the details of the day in person or via one or two texts at times that work with your schedule.

As long as he knows that you're happy with him, just not the frequency of his texts, his feelings should remain unscathed.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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