I'm a Transgender Woman and Looking for Love, Now! | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I'm a Transgender Woman and Looking for Love, Now!


Published June 18, 2014 at 10:00 a.m.

Dear Athena,

I am a transgender woman in my late twenties who just came out last summer. Living as a man, I was so confused about who I was, and this translated to my sex life and other relationships, as well. I have been a closet bisexual ever since I developed sexually, but since starting to transition, my lust for men has greatly increased, which I attribute mostly to me being more open with myself. There is a problem, though: I am not at the point yet where I am passing on a daily basis, though I'll get there. I am a woman and not interested in gay men. I have been very patient with myself, but feel like I need some type of relationship, and soon!


Love Needed Sooner Than Later

Dear Love Needed,

Congratulations! You've already been through the hardest part of this transition. Coming out of the closet and owning who you are while developing a new, secure sense of self takes commitment and bravery. You have the added challenge of waiting for your body and outside appearance to catch up with your mind and heart. I wish it were as easy as wearing a sign that explained it all, but if you are still not passing as a woman, it will not be easy to find the kind of partner you are ready for right now.

Don't let that discourage you. All of these changes are still new, and it's amazing that you're feeling more secure and, as a result, more lustful already. My recommendation for now is to take it slow. Meet Patience — she'll be your new best friend for this next portion of your life.

Focus on getting to know people as the new you. If you meet a man you like, when you feel ready, tell him about your experience. Be open and upfront and, most importantly, be yourself. Some might look at you funny, or feel self-conscious or uncomfortable, and if so you'll know he isn't the right one. So keep trying.

Remember, meeting that special person is hard no matter what your circumstances. But the first step is knowing what you want and not being afraid to put yourself out there. Stare down the possibility of rejection with as much confidence as you can muster. And think friendship first.

If all this waiting is getting you too hot and bothered, however, then you might try posting an ad on a personals site. Be clear, and don't leave anything out. Or perhaps you might meet someone at a transgender support group. Make friends with others who are having the same experience. One of them might be looking for someone just like you, or they might have a friend who could be a potential mate. Go forth and conquer, lady.