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Ask Athena: I Want to Watch My Wife With Another Man

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Dear Athena,

My wife refuses to explore my fantasy of letting me watch another man loving her. What do I do? She always refuses my requests.

Signed,

Party of Three, Please

Dear Party,

Cue the laugh track. Are you kidding me? You're telling me you can't think of one reason why your wife might not be into the idea of getting it on with another guy — while you're watching?

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for sharing your innermost desires with the person you love — but this fantasy is a tough sell. For most, having sex with someone else when you've promised to be monogamous is a bold and daring move.

Perhaps she hasn't articulated for you why this doesn't appeal to her. So let's imagine: Maybe she takes her marriage vows seriously and genuinely wants to be only with you — 'til death. Maybe she's scared that if she sleeps with someone else, she'll like it and not want to do it with you anymore. (Didn't think of that one, did you?) Maybe she doesn't want to feel like she's on display or being exploited. Or all of the above.

Also: How long have you been asking her, anyway? Since she's "always" refusing your requests, and all. Shot in the dark here, but I'm thinking it might be time to give this up.

Listen, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If this is your big-time fantasy and she won't deliver, invest in some porn or rethink your to-do list. Here's an idea: What's she into? She might enjoy trying something bold and daring of her own that, perhaps, will fulfill your need for adventure as well.

Ask her about her fantasies, and then listen to understand and get to know her better — not just to get what you want. Deep connection can lead to deeper intimacy. Maybe you won't be inviting guests into your bedroom, but I'll bet you two can find a way to meet somewhere in the middle.

Yours,

Athena