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I Thought I'd Struck Gold When I Found a Sexy Trans Woman


Dear Athena,

I am a trans man. I thought I had struck gold when I found a sexy, talented-in-the-bedroom trans woman. But she held from me the fact that she had a partner early on, and then underplayed the nature of their relationship. She thinks she can stand me up on engagements. We had sex all the time to begin with, but now that the thrill of her first trans female-to-male has worn off, we haven't had sex in months. Do you think she treats me like a toy and was only lying when she said she loved me, so she could get what she wants? Or is she retreating into the relative comfort of a practically sexless, perfunctory relationship with someone who helps pay the bills?


Feeling Down and in the Dust

Dear Feeling Down,

The question shouldn't be how she feels but how you feel.

It's not easy to find someone to click so well with in the bedroom. If you do, it's hard to let go. But it's unacceptable that your lady kept another partner from you, and it sounds like she really hurt you. Even worse: that she seems unaware of or doesn't care about your time and feelings.

Other than sex, you haven't mentioned what else you value about her. Is your relationship just about getting physical? Do you want to be a sex toy and have her be yours in return? Or are you looking for a serious commitment?

Do some soul searching and ask yourself what you desire. Then tell her either that you want to resume your sex life at its previously hot level, or that you'd like to spend more quality time together that might evolve into something serious. Then you'll find out what she wants and know where you're headed.

If she's willing to go where you want to go, great. But before you do, you must also address how it made you feel that she kept her other partner a secret. Based on your letter, it sounds like that still stings.

Don't waste any more time wondering why this woman behaves as she does. Just sit down and have a direct conversation with her. Tell her that you expect respect and honesty — even if the relationship is just about sex.

No matter what your status with another person, you don't deserve to be mistreated. Stick up for yourself, get some answers and then move forward — or move on.