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I Think My Dog Watches Me Masturbate

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ID 155822023 © BLUEDARKAT | DREAMSTIME
  • ID 155822023 © Bluedarkat | Dreamstime

Dear Reverend,

I live alone and, like most healthy people, masturbate frequently. Typically, I'm in my bedroom and I close the blinds for privacy, but I'm still visible to someone: my dog. He's usually busy with other things, but sometimes I feel like he's watching me, which is quite disconcerting. Does he know what I'm up to? I assume he's not offended, but I don't want to confuse him. I've started putting him in the guest room while I take care of business. Is this weird?

Kay Nein (nonbinary, 34)

Dear Kay Nein,

Besides the time I was in diapers, I have never pooped in close proximity to another human being. My cats, however, can come in the bathroom and hang out with me while I'm doing it, and I couldn't care less. I'll also get naked in front of them without skipping a beat. They don't judge what I'm doing or how I look. As long as I feed them on time, we're cool.

Feeling weird about doin' your thing around another creature is due to pesky human hang-ups like shame and secrecy. Other animals don't play those games. Most animals masturbate in one way or another, but I'm pretty sure humans are the only ones who hide it — except for some exhibitionists, I suppose.

Humans emit pheromones when having sex or masturbating, and dogs have a fantastic sense of smell, so I'm sure your dog can sense that something is up. Even so, I can't imagine he thinks it's any different from all of the other bizarre human activities you do, like boiling water or staring at a computer screen.

If it makes you feel better not to have him in the room with you, I'm sure he won't take offense. Just give him some treats to enjoy and close your door while you enjoy treating yourself.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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